Let the games begin… You’ve arrived at the local Powerleague. You’re tentatively warming up your quad with the only stretch you remember from your playing days (the one where you pull your foot up to your arse and totter about like a baby giraffe until you can find a shoulder to grab onto). You soon […]

6 years ago

A handy explainer for Carlo Ancelotti, or just about anyone, on what this strange, strange football team is actually all about 1. Since 1995, when they won the FA Cup, Everton have spent almost £1 billion on players. Have they won any trophies? Surely they’ve won a trophy since then? No, they have not won […]

6 years ago

Tottenham appointed José Mourinho as their new manager just eleven hours after dismissing Mauricio Pochettino. *Jez from Peep Show voice* And that’s good, is it? What’s good about that? I, for one, am not convinced that replacing one of the most tactically astute and progressive managers in the game with whatever José Mourinho is now […]

6 years ago

Not since last year’s Champions League semi-finals have we seen a more staggering turn of events There was a feverish kind of electricity in the air on the morning of Wednesday, October 9, 2019. It was hard to say exactly what it was, but we felt it ticking away in our neurones and synapses, humming […]

6 years ago

There they sit, the four dancing horsemen of the apocalypse or the Mount Rushmore of punditry, depending on your own personal preference, arranged around David Jones like he’s the doomsday button in an underground war room They, of course, are the panel deciding whether the earth lives or dies. Carragher, Souness, Mourinho and Keane. Four […]

6 years ago

Forget Manchester United, it’s time to talk about another Great British footballing institution You’d forgive Mark Noble for looking a bit leggy these days. After all, he is 32 years of age now and rapidly closing in on 500 career appearances. Well, maybe not rapidly, but at that single speed that Mark Noble seems to […]

6 years ago

How different it all could have been, with only a miraculous reflex save from Alisson preventing Liverpool from crashing out of the Champions League at the group stages last December. Instead, they faced every football fan’s Italian sweethearts Napoli, both as reigning European champions and – yeah, sorry – the single best team in Europe […]

6 years ago

“People tend to put you inside a box. That’s how it works and that’s where I am. But I think in the documentary you will see things that nobody knew before.” – Sergio Ramos My favourite part of the new Amazon Prime documentary, El Corazón de Sergio Ramos, is when his mother (Francisca) and father (Jose Maria) are […]

6 years ago

Leeds United’s new Amazon documentary doesn’t start how it means to go on (anLd that can only be a good thing). Take Us Home: Leeds United starts as all football documentaries, and indeed, sports documentaries, seem to now as heavily filtered, grey overlay slow-mo footage of  matches is interlaced with closeup shots of supporters clutching […]

6 years ago

Manchester United and Chelsea are two teams still coming to grips with new identities. What is clear, though, is that being able to break the world transfer records for a centre back and full back definitely speeds up the acclimatising process. Chelsea started brightly in Frank Lampard’s first Premier League game as a manager away […]

6 years ago

Not since the now sacrosanct ‘Purple Dildo Deadline Day’ in 2015 have we had more of a nonsense Do you remember? Do you remember poor Sky Sports journalist Alan Irvine getting prodded in the ear with a big purple dildo whilst he was stood outside Everton’s offices and trying to report on the free-agent signing […]

6 years ago

Nick Kyrgios arrived at Wimbledon this year like a tornado announcing its presence to a decrepit garden shed Or a sale-hungry shopper to a medium-sized branch of Next on a bank holiday Monday. He rampaged through the place, this preserve of quaint strawberry-munching politeness, this last bastion of pure, bespoke, Britishness, and tipped it on its […]

7 years ago

Leicester City are, clearly, charging by square inch of skull Ninety million pounds for Leicester’s Harry Maguire. Say the words. Run your tongue over them. Gargle them in your mouth. Now spit. What do they taste like, those words? That concept? It’s a peculiar flavour, isn’t it? An odd texture. Ninety million Great British pounds […]

7 years ago

Broooooooooooooonie Scott Brown wasn’t born in the way that human beings are born. Instead, he simply erupted out of the ground, his gleaming, bald head suddenly emerging from the neolithic turf surrounding Dunfermline Abbey like an alien out of John Hurt’s chest, quickly followed by the body of a fully grown man covered in soil. […]

7 years ago

Let me tell you something: Bruno Fernandes can kick a football I mean really kick it. He will kick the fucking living shit out of it. Look at the goals he has scored this season. LOOK AT THEM. Left foot, right foot, the occasional header… inside the box, miles outside of it… Bruno Fernandes really is […]

7 years ago

The Leicester City midfielder could make his England debut this week Manchester United have reportedly made Leicester City’s James Maddison one of their top priorities for the summer transfer window and have leapt ahead of Liverpool and Tottenham Hotspur in pursuit of the midfielder’s signature. The 22-year-old, who is part of Gareth Southgate’s England squad […]

7 years ago

Liverpool have won their sixth Champions League, you don’t need me to tell you this, but they have, and I must, if only to give this article the context it needs for the random middle-aged man from Denver opening up Internet Explorer at an internet cafe and clicking on this by accident instead of some […]

7 years ago

This is never going to happen. But then again David Beckham is extremely handsome, so who knows? That can be very persuasive sometimes. Inter Miami, the newest expansion team of the MLS owned by a business consortium headed by David Beckham, is all set to join the league in 2020. As a result, they have […]

7 years ago

Jurgen has had a shandy. We cannot really stress enough just how great Jurgen Klopp has been since winning the Champions League on Saturday night, his very first trophy with Liverpool. We’ve had him singing the Liverpool version of ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ by Salt-N-Pepa in a post-match presser. We’ve had him, 20 minutes after […]

7 years ago

Well, at least they’ve got Sergio Romero… David De Gea has rejected Manchester United’s final contract and now looks set to leave the club this summer according to reports. The Spanish international, who has had his poorest run of form this season since joining the club, has a contract that runs until next summer, meaning […]

7 years ago

Yaya, Yaya Yaya, Yaya Yaya, Yaya Yaya, Toure – LAST FRIDAY – According to Yaya Toure’s agent, the former Manchester City midfielder has informally retired from the game. Dimitri Seluk told members of the press: “Yaya has decided to end his career as a champion.” “The farewell match which Manchester City gave him was, in […]

7 years ago

An investigation into the club’s financial activity began in March Manchester City have been referred to the UEFA Club Financial Control Body adjudicatory chamber for a potential breach of financial fair play rules. The Club Financial Control Body (CFCB) chief investigator has referred the club to the adjudicatory chamber following the conclusion of an investigation that […]

7 years ago

Super, super Frank It’s difficult to say whether Leeds United bottled it on Wednesday night in their play-off semi-final second leg against Derby County. Oh no, wait. No it isn’t. It isn’t at all. They bottled it. They completely and utterly bottled it. It was a staggering bottlejob. A bottlejob of epic proportions. A monumental […]

7 years ago

Here is the shirt Phil Jones will be covering in grass stains from unnecessarily falling over next season Adidas football have released the Manchester United home shirt for the upcoming 2019/20 Premier League season, celebrating 20 years since their famous treble, as well as an exquisitely rogue goalkeeper number for David De Gea to look […]

7 years ago

This is a very Jermaine Jenas take. If you’ve been paying even the slightest bit of attention to the Champions League this season you’ll know that, in the form of Matthijs De Ligt, Ajax have an absolute colossus of a centre-back. Only 19 years of age, he is already captain of the historic club, who […]

7 years ago

“Because all of the spies, are hidden away” Leeds United beat Derby County 1-0 today in the first leg of their Championship play-off semi-final at Pride Park. It may seem like a distant memory now but there is still bad blood between the two teams due to ‘Spygate’, after it emerged that Leeds manager Marcelo […]

7 years ago

“Ciao.” I have to be honest here. I have absolutely no affiliation with Spurs but I adore this man. Mauricio Pochettino is everything you could ever want in a coach and watching him fall to his knees as Tottenham completed the most remarkable comeback since that other remarkable comeback, to go through to the club’s […]

7 years ago

What a performance from the Brazilian. Tottenham Hotspur looked down and out after only 35 minutes of Wednesday’s Champions League semi-final second leg against Ajax at the Johan Cruyff Arena. Fortunately for them, Lucas Moura had different ideas and scored a wonderful second-half hattrick – including the 95th-minute winner – to send Spurs through to […]

7 years ago

The boy is back in town Or, he could be, following the news that Serie A club AS Roma have offered Jose Mourinho a three-year contract to return to the world of football management, as reported by L’Equipe. The Portuguese tactician has been without a job since being sacked by Manchester United on December 18 […]

7 years ago

Marca quoted the defender after the game saying that he’s glad he doesn’t have to play Messi every season, but Van Dijk isn’t having it Liverpool’s Virgil van Dijk has hit back at Marca after they attributed quotes heaping praise on Lionel Messi to the defender after Liverpool’s 3-0 defeat away to Barcelona on Wednesday. […]

7 years ago

And Chris Sutton absolutely bloody loved it because he is Chris Sutton Michael Owen had an interesting take during BT Sport’s Saturday Morning Savage show today, making the rather bold prediction that Liverpool and Barcelona will somehow conspire to contest the Champions League final – despite playing each other in the semis. Even better, he […]

7 years ago

He is costing the club £500,000 per week, including bonuses Alexis Sanchez’s dismal spell at Manchester United is set to come to a premature end this summer following reports the club are willing to pay a significant amount of money just to get rid of the player. Sanchez, who has started only eight Premier League […]

7 years ago

Unless you’re a Liverpool fan, obviously In case you weren’t aware, Lionel Messi is still some kind of alien that crash-landed in the Andes 31 and a bit years ago. Last night, as his team dismantled Liverpool to win 3-0 at the Nou Camp in their Champions League semi-final first leg, he did this to […]

7 years ago

On a night when Lionel Messi scored twice, including one of the goals of the tournament, it was Barcelona’s languid enforcer Sergio Busquets that took centre stage Barcelona and Liverpool played out an astonishingly frenetic first leg of their Champions League semi-final with both sides fizzing the ball around in the early stages. The Nou […]

7 years ago

Roy Keane was on top, top form after Manchester United’s 2-0 defeat to Manchester City on Wednesday night Roy Keane is not a man of many words, nor is he likely to mince those few words he has. Roy Keane tells it exactly how he sees it and, more often than not, he sees it […]

7 years ago

Van Dijk is fanning the flames ahead of the Manchester derby After a disastrous performance in a 4-0 defeat against Everton at Goodison Park on Sunday, Manchester United have it all to do in their bid to secure Champions League football next season. As you will no doubt be aware, they have the small challenge […]

7 years ago

Tell us what you really think Dani Dani Alves has openly criticised his teammates at Paris Saint-Germain in a startling interview on French radio station RMC during the Team Duga programme hosted by former France international Christophe Dugarry. In it, the Brazilian fullback suggests that his teammates would be better served listening to him because “he […]

7 years ago

Sergio Busquets has a Scott McTominay poster above his bed Scott McTominay proved his doubters wrong on Wednesday night after a dominant performance against Barcelona at Old Trafford. The young midfielder set the tone for his side even after being scythed down by Sergio Busquets early on and after the game, both Gary Lineker and […]

7 years ago

When asked about marking Lionel Messi in the build-up to Wednesday’s game Chris Smalling said: “Bring it on.” We now know what he meant. It turns out he has been fooling us this entire time, Chris Smalling; the softly-spoken, vegan lifestyle-following, occasional header-er and scuffer of footballs. This is what he truly is, deep down. […]

7 years ago

You won’t like Mesut when he’s angry Arsenal captain Mesut Özil was subbed off during their 1-0 defeat at Everton today and was left to fume on the bench as the game drifted away from the Gunners. Mesut was stewing so much, in fact, that he had no option but to chuck his substitute’s jacket at […]

7 years ago

Strachan appeared to equate the abuse Adam Johnson could receive if he returns to football with the racist abuse of black players Gordon Strachan has apologised for “any unintended distress caused” after he was axed by Sky Sports following his controversial remarks on sex offender Adam Johnson and the racist abuse black footballers receive. Strachan’s comments […]

7 years ago

Three horses died over the course of the three-day Grand National festival this year The Grand National will once again come under review by Aintree and the British Horseracing Authority (BHA) after three horses died during this year’s meeting. Up for Review became the first horse to die in the National since 2012, suffering a […]

7 years ago

“Yes Mo! What you doin’ round here, kid?” Prepare, ladies and gentlemen, prepare for the most beautifully Scouse video since The La’s played ‘There She Goes’ on the Merseyside Docks for Granada in 1990. Shared by Dejan Lovren, the video involves a man in a car who, on further inspection with the sound on is quite […]

7 years ago

Diego Simeone could be losing two of his star players this summer. Atletico Madrid are in danger of losing two of their best midfielders in the form of Spanish internationals Saul and Rodri, according to reports linking the pair to Manchester United and Manchester City respectively. As reported by ESPN, United have identified Saul Niguez – […]

7 years ago

Castelldefels locals are joking that Coutinho’s home is the secret reason behind his poor form. Former Liverpool playmaker Philippe Coutinho has been having a relatively tough time of it of late at Barcelona, the club who bought him for £142 million just over a year ago. Such is the extent of his struggles that local […]

7 years ago

He doesn’t like Arsenal, just in case you were wondering. Wales manager and former Manchester United winger Ryan Giggs has opened up about his ‘intense dislike’ of Arsenal, and four Arsenal players in particular, during an interview with the Daily Mail. Surprisingly, classic shithouser Martin Keown is nowhere to be seen with Giggs instead focusing […]

7 years ago

Adam Johnson has been released from Moorland Prison. Convicted paedophile Adam Johnson has been released from prison after serving half of a six-year term. Johnson, 31, was sentenced to six years in prison for engaging in sexual activity with a 15-year-old girl in March 2016. His trial at Bradford Crown Court heard how he kissed […]

7 years ago

Paul Mitchell has received his sentence following the assault of Aston Villa captain Jack Grealish. Paul Mitchell has been sentenced to 14 weeks in jail after pleading guilty at Birmingham Magistrates’ Court to the assault of Jack Grealish during the second city derby on Sunday. At a magistrates’ court the maximum jail sentence Mitchell could […]

7 years ago

Sacre bleu Look. I don’t know what to say. You’ve probably already read about the Eric Cantona/Neymar Senior beef that occurred during Manchester United’s 3-1 win against PSG on Wednesday night. And now you’ve got this: An actual 52 year old man trolling Neymar, the ultra-modern designer footballer, someone who gets a haircut every few […]

7 years ago

Just the boost the team needs going into Sunday’s game against a buoyant Manchester United Arsenal Arsenal Arsenal. Arsenal Arsenal Arsenal Arsenal Arsenal. What are we going to do with you? You just never make it easy on yourselves. It’s just never easy, is it? The wheels appeared to come off the Gunners’ mighty Europa […]

7 years ago