When asked about marking Lionel Messi in the build-up to Wednesday’s game Chris Smalling said: “Bring it on.”
We now know what he meant. It turns out he has been fooling us this entire time, Chris Smalling; the softly-spoken, vegan lifestyle-following, occasional header-er and scuffer of footballs. This is what he truly is, deep down. Some kind of animal. Some kind of monster. Or, even worse, some kind of 00s Serie A built-like-a-brick-shithouse centre-back. A Paolo Montero. A Walter Samuel. A – *gasp* – … a Traianos Dellas.
You can picture him lying awake last night, tucked up in his United bedsheets, watching I’m Chris Smalling and I’m Phil Jones on YouTube over and over again, building himself up into a kind of unstoppable mental fury all whilst stroking his goatee and giggling to himself like a small schoolgirl. Or a serial killer.
And to think he had almost let his malevolent intentions slip with those three words in the build-up. “Bring it on”. We should have known he had something up his sleeve, that Chris Smalling had simply no reason to be so enthusiastic about facing the best player in the world, of all time, in the same way that the dinosaurs would have had no reason to be enthusiastic about that large fiery object hurtling through the sky towards them.
We should have known that Chris Smalling was up to something all along.
BRING IT ON pic.twitter.com/0wwzasb8Mr
— FootballJOE (@FootballJOE) April 10, 2019
His career so far – all the occasional good defending mixed with the dodgy passes and falling over and watching Phil Jones a couple of yards away falling over – were building up to this, the very pinnacle of his career, the single defining Chris Smalling moment.
And it came as a long ball was hoofed up to football’s golden prince, Lionel Messi, who, let’s be honest, had absolutely no interest in challenging for it. Chris Smalling though… oh boy. Chris Smalling wanted it. Chris Smalling wanted it more than Phil Jones usually wants it, and Phil Jones usually wants it so much he is willing to throw himself into the turf like a human earthworm and dig his way straight to the planet’s molten core.
Just look. Just look at what he did to our beautiful Argentinian son.
Smalling has given Messi a Steve Bruce. He’ll be whistling in his sleep for the next thirty years pic.twitter.com/0iJbKQ6AS8
— FootballJOE (@FootballJOE) April 10, 2019
You got what you wanted, Chris Smalling. You did it. You gave Messi a Steve Bruce and a bit of a shiner. Was it worth it? Was it worth it Chris? All that planning? All that bringing of it? All that bringing of it on? Just look at how disappointed he looks. He thought you were better than this, Chris Smalling. He really did. Not in football terms obviously. But as a person. As a human being.
You can retire now, Chris Smalling. You can walk off into the sunset knowing you got what you wanted. Knowing that you won a header against Messi and roughed him up a bit in the process. That you didn’t get the Jerome Boateng treatment. Congratulations. I hope your grandchildren are good listeners. I imagine they will be hearing about this one for a while.
