Forget about sport. All of it. It’s dead.
The GAA couldn’t be watched today. No chance. Not after Derry refused to let Dublin pummel them last week.
And, sure, then Joe Brolly and the rest of them tell us that games aren’t about winning. They’re about ethos and obligation to Gaels and… well, any other old nonsense they could pick from their backsides.
So we turned to the soccer. The good old ground-ball. The globe’s favourite sport. That couldn’t let the purist down.
But the audacity.
Burnley – Burnley of all teams – mixing it with the big boys. Defending against Spurs, spoiling the game, taking a point away from a tie against a top six side. Sean Dyche is better than that. Surely he knows that Tottenham have a better team. Surely he should’ve let them win. He’s destroyed the game.
At least Granada went down with dignity at Real Madrid. At least they gave it a go. At least they scored and who really cares about the nine at the other end? Granada are a proper sporting team. They upheld the integrity of the sport and they let the players play. That’s what we want to see.
We need more of those eight-goal thumpings. Otherwise soccer will die a death, too. FIFA needs to act. Now.
God, it’s even tough to pretend to be on that delusional side of the fence but, just for fun, let’s just say that Gaelic Football really is dead. Let’s just say that sport is not about winning. That entertainment is more enjoyable when one side doesn’t bother contesting and the other doesn’t even have to come out of second gear.
Let’s just pretend that somebody somewhere has to do something. We don’t know who and we don’t know what.
Let’s just pretend that a team like Derry didn’t turn around today and impress their home support with a blitzing of Cork and that the hysteria and wakes held for one game last weekend weren’t a complete and utter overreaction to one tactic for a specific game of football.
Here’s a list of the entirely unnecessary rule changes that could be enforced in Gaelic Football to stop managers using their heads in sport, to stop weaker teams competing better and to help Dublin and Kerry shoot even further ahead of the rest of the pack.
It’s only right.
1. You must keep four men inside the opposition 45′ at all times
So then, when defenders decide to go forward, you can’t do anything about it. Just sit back and enjoy the shooting practice. Sure it’s a spectacle.
2. Only one man can mark an opposition forward at all times
So then, when your full back line is hung out to dry, managers can be labelled things like naive, brainless, out-of-depth.
3. Only six players from each team can come inside a 45′ at all times
If a midfielder wants to enter, a forward must step out in good time. Swaps can be made from anywhere along the 45-metre line. One player can enter from one wing if the other comes out in time. This will be a piece of piss for referees to police.
4. A scoring zone arch is added to the pitch layout. Any score from beyond it is awarded two points
We don’t want to use the inside forwards at all now. Just launch it from downtown. If anything, this will only encourage more defenders back needed to cover a bigger area of the pitch. No-one is going to let you have a free shot worth double scores.
5. Introduce the mark
A kickout caught clean grants a free kick to the catcher. Now we’re changing it to suit the big man. We were told we don’t want robots, we don’t want athletes. Now, if you’re big and strong and 6’4″ plus, your stock has risen incredibly. Forget about the brave small man who wins breaking ball like his life depended on it. That’s not an art.
6. Limit the amount of consecutive hand passes in a move
Why?
7. Make a goal worth five points
So then, when a team like Donegal score one, they can batten down the hatches with even more conviction. Place more emphasis on stopping teams from scoring goals at whatever cost.
8. Once you cross the half way line, you cannot go back
We don’t want backs playing football and, if anything, we want to make it easier for a blanket defence to smother you with nowhere to go.
9. Make it 13-a-side
Think what a great player someone like Jamie Clarke would be if he didn’t have boys marking him. He’d be class at 13-a-side – you know, playing a different game. So what? I’d be much better if it was 18-a-side. Why are we changing it to suit Jamie? Tom Cleverley would be much better if soccer was 7-a… actually, forget it.
Alternatively, look to some of the games this Easter Sunday as the resurrection of football. There’s hope. We believe.
Or, you know, just accept that football wasn’t dead in the first place because a relegated side played tight against the best team in the country.
