Behind every good thing in this world is a pissed off moaner whining because people are enjoying themselves.
The Lions tour is a perfect storm for these detractors who feel as though it’s their job in life to restore balance to the universe.
There’s been four years of build up so anticipation and excitement amongst the rugby community is huge but that means there’s also been a big gap withing the “egg-chasing” critics community ready to release in the most cunning and witty of ways – all in the interest of stopping people from “getting ahead of themselves”.
With scoffs under their breaths and timely swipes, these Lions haters can pretend like they’re above all this “drivel” – bashing the thing all the while for six whole weeks.
Here are some of their finest assaults.
Sure we’re all Lions natives
Definition: A sarcastic jibe used for effect to point out the utter madness that this four-nation country is supposed to represent us. How could a super team like that have any identity? No-one has Lions blood in them.
Character: He’s the sort of asshole who strolls in and makes a comment like, “how are WE doing” because it’s funny because he’s suggesting that Ireland, Scotland, Wales and England are a ‘we’ now. Hates when the Lions win but can save face with a sarky remark like, “proud day for the parish”. Calls himself a patriotic European during the Ryder Cup. Because it’s funny.
How can four countries not beat one?
Definition: The Lions get the pick of four different teams. They only play a team comprised of one nation. It should be a whitewash.
Character: He’s the sort of boy who’d pause a game of FIFA he was losing at to prove that he’s had more shots than you.
How are the British and Irish and South African and Kiwi Lions doing?
Definition: The residency rule means means that each of the British and Irish national rugby teams can have players born outside of those countries but still playing for them. People do not like this.
Character: Makes genius quips like, “the South African lad was the only good player” during Irish games. Calls the Irish soccer team an England reserve side. Thinks he’s a knowledgeable smart arse but he’s so ignorant he doesn’t understand why soccer players from the north want to play for the Republic. Will eventually put his foot in it.
New Zealand’s only the size of Ireland, for God’s sake
Definition: The Republic has around 50,000 more people living in it than New Zealand. This, therefore, means New Zealand should be shite at rugby.
Character: Never asks why China isn’t the best team in world rugby.
Who cares? It’s not a real competition
Definition: It’s a fake team on a temporary tour playing nothing matches against average club teams.
Character: Hates the International Rules. Despises the Ryder Cup. Scoffed at Ireland beating New Zealand in a poxy friendly out in Chicago. Offended that Conor McGregor has a shot against “the greatest boxer of all time” when he has absolutely no chance and it’s going to be a boring, easy affair. He’s watched two Mayweather fights – against Pacquiao and Ricky Hatton.
He can’t even make his country’s 15
Definition: How can subs be called up to an All-Star team?
Character: Likens the midweek losses to the best of New Zealand, Australia and South Africa losing to Galwegians.
Another made up rugby honour
Definition: Outside of World Cups, Six Nations and Champions Cups, everything else is total bollocks.
Character: Another sarcastic weasel, this one. Pretends to celebrate the Centenary Quaich when Ireland beat Scotland because he does things ironically. That’s his thing. Has really funny outbursts like, “who won the Quidditch Cup this year?” because he’s only joking, because rugby people make up a lot of titles. Argues that there are only eight rugby teams in the world so, of course, Ireland are half decent at it.
I don’t even know that guy
Definition: Angry at names he doesn’t know being picked for the Lions tour and doesn’t realise that might be his own problem.
Character: Somehow thinks the squad is shit because his knowledge of international players doesn’t extend beyond fly halves and wingers. Somehow thinks he’s making a good argument when he starts a sentence with, “I don’t even know…”
