We all love the idea of playing county.
Free tracksuits, free massive GAA kit bag, swapping tops at the end of every game and a 100 per cent increase in your sex appeal.
But, whilst the benefits are grand, many have found that the sacrifice just isn’t worth the numbered jersey and they’ve fallen short of the cruel demands of an inter-county player.
So, before you make your decision… Ask yourself if you can pass these tests.
Test 1: Holidays
1. Save up.
2. Book a non-refundable dream holiday for you and your friends wherever in the world you want to go. For however long you want to go.
3. Don’t go.
Test 2: Parents
1. Leave your job/school.
2. Lie around the house instead.
3. Make sure you’re always in the same room as your parents.
4. Listen to everything they have to say on the matter.
Test 3: Travel
1. Get in your car after work.
2. If you don’t have a car, get on a bus – you’ll have to wait on one first of course.
3. Drive around for a while.
4. If you’re between the ages of 19 and 22, travel at least an hour in one direction.
5. Waste another two hours.
6. Travel an hour back up the road.
7. Now fit your life into that window you have left in the evening.
Test 4: Vocabulary
1. Whatever way you talk, forget it.
2. Start every sentence from now on with ‘lookit’.
3. To be fair, you should never make a point without being fair.
4. If someone asks you about a game, always tell them that it ebbed and flowed.
5. Promise everyone that you’ll keep your head down and apply yourself.
6. Stick to the game plan.
7. And, most importantly, see if you can include the words ‘you know’ in between every single word you say from now on.
Test 5: Training
1. Take 10 footballs down to the pitch.
2. Set one on the 20-metre line.
3. Set the other 20 metres away from that.
4. Set the other 20 metres away from that.
5. Set five balls in a line going down one side of the pitch and five down the other.
6. Run from one ball to the next and back.
7. Do not touch the ball.
8. Run again.
Test 6: Conditioning
1. Set your alarm for six.
2. AM.
3. Then actually get up and go without even a five-minute snooze reprieve.
4. Report for the gym at 6.30am because this could not have been done after work.
5. Squat, deadlift, do it like there’s no tomorrow.
6. But you will do it again tomorrow.
7. Make sure you take note. Always take note.
8. And don’t forget to write down how you’re feeling. Rank your emotions on a scale of one to 10.
9. Give it to someone to look at but make sure you don’t get any feedback.
Test 7: Diet
1. Potatoes.
2. Pre-match pasta: Add potatoes.
3. Post-match pizza: Add potatoes.
4. Porridge breakfast: Add potatoes.
5. Potatoes: Add potatoes.
Test 8: Video session
1. Accumulate all of your worst clips from every game you’ve ever played.
2. Edit them into a two-hour piece of footage.
3. Invite 30 people around to watch them with you in silence.
4. Pause and rewind the particularly embarrassing highlights.
5. Ask for an honest analysis of how you looked.
Test 9: Listening to your coach
1. Find a man who hates you.
2. Find someone who hates you even more.
3. Sit in a room for 30 minutes with him and get him to roar the bollocks off you.
4. Go outside in the freezing cold and get him to roar the bollocks off you.
5. Run until you’re crawling through mud on your hands and knees and get him to roar the bollocks off you.
6. Tell him you’ll see him again on Thursday.
Test 10: Christmas duty
1. Finally get those holiday days you were after booked for Christmas.
2. Clear your schedule and take the week off.
3. Now fill your schedule with trips to 28 different clubs around the county.
4. Smile and get pictures taken with 107 different kids for their awards nights. And smile.
5. Tell them to listen to their coaches.
6. Find 13 other clubs and offer to come and turn their Christmas lights on. Who else is going to do it after all?
Test 11: Interviews
1. Say as much as you can without saying anything.
2. Answer every single question. Without saying anything.
3. Analyse your team and the opposition and talk about injuries. Without saying anything.
4. Finish every single sentence with, “we’ll know more on Friday.”
5. Don’t say anything.
Test 12: Job
1. Apply for your dream job.
2. Interview for it.
3. Get it.
4. Reject it.
5. Don’t worry, you’ll get a job closer to home sorted for you.
Test 13: Biting your lip
1. Become the best player in the county.
2. Train every night for five months straight.
3. Tell the manager to leave you out of the match day panel.
4. Book flights to America.
5. Get in touch with Robert Emmet’s Chicago Harps Donegal Gaels. They’ve a job and a house sorted for you.
6. Don’t go.
7. Go back to training.
8. Suck it up.
Test 14: Code of conduct
1. Alcohol ban from January 1 to December 31. Inclusive.
2. Do not drink water in public either.
3. Do not even think about entering a pub or a club.
4. No mention of county team on social media.
5. No mention of GAA on social media or any other sport.
6. No mention of politics or films or music or food or anything in general on social media.
7. Do not look at a journalist.
8. Football boots to be black.
9. No laces.
10. No highlights to be worn in hair.
11. No hair bands.
12. No hair.
13. No jewellery.
14. No girlfriends between January and October.
15. No club football between January and October.
16. No phones between January and October.
17. No exceptions*.
18. *Managers will deem which exceptions are acceptable.
Still want to be a county player? Good luck with that.
