Ever just watch Tom Cleverley and think… why? How? Why?
It’s tough enough supporting Aston Villa as it is without the added misery of the enigmatic midfielder – well, that’s what he says he is anyway – chipping in with those extra kicks in the stones that he offers every game.
Want to feel really bad about your life? Consider the fact that not only is someone paying Tom Cleverley to play football, they’re paying him shit loads.
How did he even get into football in the first place? And then how and why did he stick at it?
Cleverley’s not alone in his conning mission though, far from it. In fact, we’ve managed to put together a whole squad of boys who are still to this day living a luxury life in the Premier League because someone somewhere saw fit to give them a break at a big club at one stage. If anything, we should admire some of these boys for squeezing a career out of their limited talent but admittedly impressive references. But we’re nothing but jealous of this lot.
Ben Foster
The former United goalkeeper only left Old Trafford five years ago in an attempt to properly carve out a career for himself. Before that though, England saw fit to give him plenty of shots at the top to drive his stock ridiculously through the roof and he wound up back in the Premier League to continue an unconvincing career now in his 30s.
Nedum Onouha
One of Manchester City’s golden youth team who, with the move of Micah Richards, have now all drifted from Eastlands. Onouha was touted as the next big England thing at one stage but, you know, who hasn’t been?
Michael Dawson
Remember him and Andy Reid were the business? Dawson in fairness carved out a decent portfolio at Spurs but he was always overrated. Always. Can make big demands at Hull or any other lowly top flight side now because of his association with the top six.
Phillipe Senderos
Just when we thought we were free of the treacheries of the Swiss back, Paul Lambert hands him another multi-million pound lifeline. Did a dreadful job with Arsenal, yet Everton, Fulham and Villa have all seen fit to resurrect him.
Shaun Wright-Phillips
We’re still waiting on SWP to come good. City, Chelsea and City again persisted with the former England international because he was fast. Now good, old Harry Redknapp is keeping the faith with him at QPR. Not seeing much action but plenty of pay cheques.
Tom Cleverley
The worst thing United could’ve done was send Cleverley out on loan. Now everyone can see just how useless he is. He’s one of the worst players in a terrible Villa team. If he had stayed on the United bench, he still would’ve had interested suitors because he must be good… he’s playing for United.
Jonjo Shelvey
Another alleged hotshot talked up to the nineties. Another one talked up so much that England were forced to play him. Shelvey is a mercurial talent alright. Mercurial in that no-one knows what he’s supposed to be good at. Not even sure if he does.
Kieran Richardson
Alex Ferguson has a lot to answer for. Kieran Richardson is in his 13th season in the Premier League. His 13th. Kieran Richardson…
Marouane Chamakh
If Arsenal hadn’t kept the faith in the Moroccan for three years, would anyone really be bothering with him? I mean, what on earth does Chamakh bring to a team that you couldn’t find lying about at your local park?
Carlton Cole
It’s like an actor sending a CV around with a reference number to Ian McKellen because you were once a runner on set of a play he did 14 years ago. An English striker who came through the Chelsea ranks? He must be a superstar.
Victor Moses
God almighty. Do you know Victor Moses is still a Chelsea player? Obviously Mourinho has visions of him and Hazard tearing it up. How can no-one still at this stage not take an educated guess that he’s not going to make it? Invest a few more millions sure just in case.
Obviously Hazza Redknapp would manage the team. He’s the only one mad enough to buy all of these players.
Want to know who we’re signing in the January transfer window? Jermaine Defoe obviously. And, if we can prize Pennant away from FC Pune City, we’ll give him a 19th chance, too.
