Share
17th December 2015
10:03pm GMT
The first thing to say is that diehard fans will not be disappointed. All the key ingredients are there - grotesque alien creatures (Diego Costa), an unscrupulous bounty hunter (Jorge Mendes), the innocent farmboy (Pedro) and of course the Dark Lord himself, Jose Mourinho.
Without giving too much away, the story begins with popular heroine Eva Carneiro mercilessly sacrificed by Mourinho through no fault of her own. But the words, 'If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine' never seemed more pertinent.
It is an error that haunts the Chelsea general for the rest of the misadventure. Results nosedive as whispers of mutiny rumble louder. Searching the galaxy for allies, Mourinho can only find a handful of Fleet Street colleagues who rely on him for exclusives. Nevertheless, the Castle crumbles.
Grand Moff Roman grows increasingly displeased with his once formidable commander-in-chief, as it becomes more and more unlikely that the fourth will be with them in May. Meanwhile Mourinho has no qualms about throwing his players under the Death Star to deflect criticism.
Although there's plenty of subplots in this tale of love and betrayal - and no shortage of twists - it all seems a tad unbelievable. Of course Chelsea are there for our collective entertainment, but surely they could have made the plot half-way believable.
The mighty Jose falling from grace in such dramatic fashion? The Stamford Bridge empire going from all-conquering juggernaut to a shell of its former self in a matter of months? And they never explain the mysterious disappearance of Cesc Fabregas. He just...disappears.
We won't spoil it too much, but a major character doesn't make it to the end. Oh, and in answer to the eternal question of who shot first, it definitely wasn't Falcao.Explore more on these topics:
