Some things are just sacred.
We know we live in a world of globalisation and mass commercialism, but we still hold onto the tiniest sliver of hope that our favourite thing – that one little piece of happiness that keeps shining bright even in the dark – can be immune to it.
Lately, however, it’s been hard to ignore the slow creep of footballers disgracing a proud institution. Yes, we’re talking about dabbing.
Paul Pogba has been the worst offender, but he is not alone. Jesse Lingard’s “Dab Academy” was correctly described as “beyond embarrassing” while Dirk Kuyt did his best to kill the dab entirely by committing the crime of dabbing while 36 years of age.
But their crimes were minor compared to this.
Ahead of England’s World Cup qualifier against Malta (or The Sam Allaradyce Memorial Trophy, as it will forever be known), as fans waited around Wembley to be “entertained” by 90 minutes of Wayne Rooney’s crossfield passes (now from even closer to England’s own goal!), the stadium staff did the unthinkable.
You’ve probably seen the embarrassment of faux-atmosphere building that is the American “KissCam”, where during a break in play a man and a woman will appear on the big screen as everyone in the stadium implores them to kiss.
In a less sexual assault-y but still embarrassing move, the FA have now introduced a “DabCam” at Wembley, which encourages matchgoers to dab on demand.
Fuckin dab cam.. state of football nowadays pic.twitter.com/fsuau7q8hr
— RIGGO (@rigg0o) October 8, 2016
It is nothing short of disgusting to see this, and from an institution that once stood for something so much more.
To ruin their 100+ year reputation by calling on fans to dab on the big screen embarrasses us all.
You cannot simply dab on demand. It is a sacred expression of joy and wonder in a world that is so rarely filled with such joys.
We need to put a stop to football’s co-opting of the dab. From ball boys disgracing it by dabbing during national anthems (which are notoriously shit songs and therefore not dab-worthy) to FIFA letting your virtual footballer dab in their latest instalment, we need to fight back or we will have no more culture left.
Oh yeah, and while we’re at it, please stop the royal family from dabbing too.
Catch up with the latest episode of Football Friday Live right here…
