Finally, someone has made the comparison between Ed Sheeran and Roy Keane.
The English musician is taking over Croke Park in the summer and we thought it only right to weigh up his credentials to fill the spiritual home of Irish sport.
So here are 10 of his sappy love songs, moulded loosely – questionably loosely – around ongoing Irish sporting sagas.
Lego House
The Re-return of Roy Keane
“Out of all these things I’ve done, I think I love you better now.” The Roy Keane tale is truly an epic love story. There might well be a number of bumps on the roads, fall-outs, and some dark, cold Decembers but the Cork man is always there to pick up the pieces for his country if he’s wanted. The separation only helps remind both parties of how much they’re really in love and, after a tough couple of years, he’s back to pick us up when we’re down.
The A Team
Katie Taylor Taking Over The World
This song is perfect, you know, in a less depressing, drug addiction way. Taylor is well and truly part of the A Team of global sports people and she’s been this way since 18. “The best things in life come free to us.” Really though, apart from that, this is the worst song comparison to someone’s career of all time…
I See Fire
Rory McIlroy’s Masters Hype
Rory, you’ll want to get this one out of the way now, won’t you?
Rory, how does it feel to be on the brink of a career grand slam?
Rory, does this one mean more because it will be more than just an Open title?
McIlroy actually had a fine Masters tournament but he was made out to be the biggest let down since Owen Coyle’s Irish career because he didn’t win his fifth major title. His mistake was paying any kind of lip service to those presumptuous pre-tournament questions. “We got too close to the flames” but he’ll know next time and the rest of the golfing world need tread carefully around him for the next while.
Give Me Love
Stephen Ireland Fallout
“Give a little time to me or burn this out.” OK, let’s burn it out then. Never give someone the all or nothing option.
You Need Me, I Don’t Need You
Jack Grealish Saga
The worst thing that could’ve happened was for Jack Grealish to realise that he’s good. In an ideal world, he would’ve cashed his chips in far too early and pledged his allegiance to the Republic before he even knew his home country would be interested. But the prat went and impressed on the big stage in front of the England manager and they’re all raving about him now. He’s starting to realise that he doesn’t need Ireland to further his career. But, Jesus, wouldn’t it be nice if we could get him signed up?
Drunk
Clare Hurling Gate
Thou shall not stand in the presence of other beings, dance or listen to loud music. Davy O’Halloran paid the highest possible price for a night out in the Banner county but, before he left the panel, he said he was isolated from the team. We can just imagine him doing those shuttle runs on his own in the corner of the pitch, or changing in the boot of his car thinking to himself, “Maybe I’ll get drunk again, to feel a little love.” Obviously he’d have to elongate too for it to work though.
Thinking Out Loud
Conor McGregor’s Rise
“When your legs don’t work like they used to before, and I can’t sweep you off of your feet.” Conor McGregor might not always be the frightening athletic machine that he is now but, wherever he is, whatever he’s doing, you can be damn sure that he will forever be thinking out loud and saying whatever the hell is on his mind.
Sing
AP McCoy’s Retirement
“Sing! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Louder! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.”
Just a little snapshot of every single jockey on the planet upon this announcement.
Everything Has Changed
The Death of Gaelic Football
Everything has changed. Teams are scoring more, defenders are attacking more and no-one is taking off-the-ball slaps up the face anymore. But Taylor Swift has come in and made this a more tactical composition and we can’t be having it. Why are people thinking about what to play? Why has organisation crept in? Everything has changed.
Don’t
Paul O’Connell’s Decision
Paul, don’t. Okay? Just don’t. The prospect of one of the greatest legends of Irish sport putting to rest his battering ram shoulders is not one anyone wants to ponder. He’s just after winning the Six Nations Player of the Year and he’s about to lead a fine side into the World Cup. It’s a nice way to go but he’s hardly disintegrated like a certain Mr Gerrard across the water. The nation is on a year-long baited breath anticipated the big man’s decision. Everyone wants to know, but no-one wants to know. Ignorance is bliss.
“Don’t f**k with my love, that heart is so cold, all over my home, I don’t wanna know..”
