October 21st 2045.
Rising sea-levels, Chinese dominance and population crises? Pah! That’s no craic. What will the sporting landscape look like in 30 years time, that is what is exercising minds on this magical day.
Of course today is the ‘Back to the Future day, that magical 24 hours in the second film (what do you mean you haven’t seen it?) when Marty McFly takes a trip to October 21st 2015 with its hoverboards and fancy shoes and multi-screen TV’s.
Okay so the Chicago Cubs haven’t won the World Series, yet, and the Jaws franchise never made it to a 19th movie, but a lot of the film’s predictions – news drones, hand-free video games and google glasses – were eerily accurate.
No doubts SportsJOE’s predictions of the Irish sporting landscape 30 years hence will be just as prescient.
Supreme President Conor McGregor sweeps home for yet another term in Aras an Notorious.
The Dubliner’s promise to make the working week just four days – with Wednesdays now a recurring Bank Holiday, to remember his historic title win over Jose Aldo in 2015 – sees him sweep past the challenge of Fianna Fáil candidate Ger Brennan and resume his record-breaking residence in Phoenix Park.
It’s his fifth term in the newly named Aras an Notorious, which now regularly features UFC fights in the purpose built Octagon on the lawn out the front.
Minister for Foreign Affairs Paul O’Connell wants to declare war on Argentina again
McGregor’s most soft-spoken but hot-headed cabinet member is looking to declare war once again on Argentina. However it’s been pointed out to Paul O’Connell that he cannot just go around promising to “put the fear of God” into whole countries days after his 65th birthday.
It has also been pointed out that the South Americans have better footwork to run away from our soldiers and our defence is a bit suspect. They’ve outflanked us in all eight wars waged since 2015.
Joe Schmidt wants to join southern hemisphere
Georgia manager Joe Schmidt wants permission for his all-conquering Georgia side to withdraw from the Eight Nations and join the southern hemisphere’s all-dominant Rugby Championship.
The ex-Ireland coach, now 80 ( who is earning over 60 million Georgian Lari (20million Chinese Yuan) thanks to the oil oligarchs new interest in rugby) thinks it’s unfair to be handing out beatings to the Home Nations year after year.
Georgia are the seven-in-a-row champions and their offloading game has seen them become the darlings of international rugby since their World Cup win in Tbilisi in 2043.
Shane Long to unveil another f**king statue to Germany goal
Cork becomes the 32nd county (33rd if you count the north and south ridings of Tipperary) to erect a statue commemorating Shane Long’s famous goal against Germany 30 years ago this month.
Long, now the presenter of a popular RTÉ DIY show, took time out in Bandon after the unveiling to sign autographs for many of the 29-year-olds named Shane and Shania who came to meet him.
The Tipperary native is best known for the strike that helped usher in a baby boom in early 2016 after hundreds of children were conceived in pubs and nightclubs across the country.
Long embraced his life-long love of home improvement after his failed spell as joint Ireland manager with Robbie Keane. The Rose of Tralee host has been very critical of current Republic of Ireland manager Jack Grealish, who has failed to arrest a slide that has seen the national side fail to win the revived Nations Cup for the last 15 years.
GAA announce new disciplinary body to deal with disciplinary body
A new disciplinary body has been announced by the GAA to finally try and resolve issues with players suspensions. The organisation called the Competitions Resolutions Appeal Panel (C.R.A.P) will be headed up by former Dublin stars Diarmuid Connolly and Philly McMahon.
GAA president Aidan O’Shea has backed both men to bring a new level of transparency to GAA disputes and is hopeful that there are no more controversies involving the 40 teams competing for All-Ireland honours.
The group stages of this year’s football Championship were blighted with appeals, while the All-Ireland hurling final was delayed by a week as Kilkenny’s 15-in-a-row chasing manager Henry Shefflin appealed directly to President McGregor to have his star centre-forward and son, Henry Shefflin Junior’s suspension rescinded.
And a couple of headlines from across the World
Armstrong calls for more drugs in cycling
President of the UCI Lance Armstrong denies the EPO-sponsored Tour De France has a problem, despite inquests into the deaths of several riders this summer proving they died after trying to race clean.
The American, who was stripped of his first seven titles but then returned to the sport to win 19 more when drugs were legalised, feels cyclists will just have to become better cheaters and prepare themselves by taking more PEDs for longer.
The recent retro-trend towards ‘riding clean’ by hipster cycling teams has been slammed as “lunacy” by WADA and others, who fear for the safety of non-doped cyclists trying to complete the newer stages, such as the time trial over Mont Blanc, which were designed specifically for drug-addled competitors.
Roger Federer announces his retirement
Old age pensioner advocacy groups across the world were rejoicing at the news that Swiss legend Roger Federer has hung up his racket, finally.
The 76-time Grand Slam winner’s effortless grace and minimalist style saw him carry on playing at the highest level long after his rivals Novak Djokovic (pizza addiction), Rafael Nadal (chronic wedgie) and Andy Murray (weight of expectation) had packed it in.
The younger generations could not handle Federer’s experience and utter confidence, and the sight of a 64-year-old man winning his 22nd Wimbledon title saw an upsurge in old-age amateur tennis players, with disastrous and painful results
Federer’s decision to retire should save the penniless HSE a fortune in hip replacements alone and Il Duce McGregor celebrated with a seven roundhouse kick salute.
