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16th December 2014
04:01pm GMT
Right back
Hazard's being very bloody brave starting Fabio Cannavaro on the right side of defence. Far be it from us to question one of the best defenders of all time but you have to have the former Italy captain in the centre, don't you? He lacks the pace to deal with the speedier wingers and would get caught out sooner or later. Having said that, Dani Alves is going to pick up a booking or two so we're stuck between a rock and a vicious Brazilian. We'll give Alves the nod, not because he's a better player than Cannavaro (he's not) but because he's an out and out full back.
Hazard 1 - Zizou 1
Centre back
Two very compatible pairings here. Sergio Ramos and Pepe are the best of buds at the back of the current Real Madrid team who have gone 20 games without losing while Marcel Desailly and Laurent Blanc built up a formidable partnership for the France national team in the late 1990s. We think that Sergio Ramos' tendency to have a massive impact on big games should earn him the nod over the sometimes-dodgy Laurent Blanc. Larry White put in some iffy performances for United so we'll pick Ramos.
We're keeping Sergio and Pepe as far apart as possible because they only act up when they're together. We've never been truly convinced by Pepe at the back and he doesn't fill you with confidence considering that he might bite someone's nose off if they look at him the wrong way. Marcel Desailly is as solid a defender as you could hope for so we'll select him to partner Ramos at the back.
Hazard 2 - Zizou 2
Left back
We're going to come right out and say that the battle of the Brazilian left fulls is something of a no contest. Marcelo is a decent left back who isn't terrible at attacking and isn't woeful at defending. His potential inclusion hits a stumbling block when you realise that he is up against arguably the best left back of all time in ol' Bobby Carlos. He could literally take care of the entirety of the left-hand side of the pitch on his own, a well as weigh in with some of the most powerful free-kicks you could imagine. Carlos all day long.
Hazard 3 - Zizou 2
Defensive midfielder
With Roberto Carlos busy sprinting up the left flank and Dani Alves throwing roundhouse kicks on the right, you need a solid defensive midfielder to give some assistance to the central defenders. We think that the more attack-minded Yaya Toure would upset the balance of the team if he persisted in going on those gazelle-like runs that he loves so we're going to go for lovely, safe Paddy Vieira in the middle of the pitch to look after everything like a giant, bald babysitter.
Hazard 4 - Zizou 2
Attacking midfielder
If you can say, hand-on-heart, that Luka Modric was a better player than Pavel Nedved, then you can go ahead and get off this website because we don't want you here! The players were not too dissimilar in all honesty but that extra bit of flair and yard of pace that Nedved had over Modric speaks volumes when you're doing something as deathly serious as picking a hypothetical team. Plus Nedved has a Ballon d'Or so shut up.
Hazard 5 - Zizou 2
Left winger
Pictures of Robert Pires graced the walls of many an Arsenal fan around 15 years ago and he was a wonderful player for them but he was never going to win out against Cristiano Ronaldo. Ronaldo will go down as one of the greatest of all time, the very best if you ask some. He's got pace, power, heading ability, tricks, free-kicks and a very convincing dive. Forget that last bit, he's still a better player than Pires.
Hazard 5 - Zizou 3
Right winger
Ok, this is when things get tricky based on the fact that Zidane has picked Ibrahimovic to play wide right which is not where he belongs. Hazard has picked Figo, which is exactly where he belongs. It really feels like we're doing modern football a disservice by kicking the Zlat out but, because we left Cannavaro out for the same reason, we have to. Luis Figo was phenomenal on the wing and he could drift inside as well, dragging defenders with him to free up space for the wildly attacking Dani Alves.
Hazard 6 - Zizou 3
Second Striker
We're not going to have any target man or out-and-out striker in this team. We have a more flowing, possession-based philosophy here at SportsJOE United. We don't think you'd take our decision-making skills seriously if we left Dennis Bergkamp out. The Dutchman was a special player and one of the few footballers who left you disappointed when he didn't produce magic with his feet. Luckily he did so more often than not and Hazard's admiration for him is well-founded.
Hazard 7 - Zizou 3
Second second striker
Lionel Messi or Patrick Kluivert. It'd be tricky if it were anyone else bar the little Argentinian. The man is football incarnate and he will never be excluded from anyone's fantasy XI, unless they're one of them football hipsters who thinks Dani Osvaldo is the best thing since flat caps. Leo is probably the most naturally talented footballer to ever step foot on a pitch and he spearheads the attack.
Hazard 7 - Zizou 4
So the battle for the combined XI from Eden Hazard and Zinedine Zidane wasn't that close after all. But, to be fair, Hazard had generations of footballers to choose from while Zizou had to pick current players. All things considered, when you combine the best of both, you've got a pretty damn frightening team.
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