“We are the Kings of Europe!”
There is something you will never hear an Irish rugby player proclaim, certainly not in the run-up to the (second) biggest tournament of their season.
The World Cup is ancient history. This is it, the Six Nations, this is where the IRFU reap their corn and the players earn those fat contracts, which seem out of reach until their agent threatens to bundle them on to a plane to Coventry or Grenoble.
Forget the importance of this grand old distraction, forget the fact we are going for an unprecedented third title on the spin, forget the fact this is the first major sporting event of a major sporting year… the important thing to remember in the final week of preparations is that we haven’t a hope in hell.
Take those expectations and dampen them, dampen them with a giant hose of pessimism and unwarranted realism.
In the week of Super Bowl 50, consider the build-up to Ireland versus Wales the anti-Super Bowl. You can take your razzmatazz and shove it up your openside.
Here is the patented seven-point plan to pissing on everyone’s pre-tournament chips.
1. Refuse to entertain any suggestion you’re favourites
Warren Gatland’s annual codology is proof that this is not solely an Irish affliction – we Celts just don’t like anyone to think we have notions about ourselves – but Joe Schmidt’s Ireland take it to a whole new level.
Three-in-a-row chasing champions? Forget about that, means nothing. Largely settled team? Things are going stale, sure. None of our opponents exactly set the World Cup on fire? See point two.
We might as well hand the trophy back at this stage.
2. Big up the opposition until they reach gigantic proportions
I heard Jamie Roberts could pick up Robbie Henshaw between his thumb and forefinger and use him as a toothpick, once he has finished eating Jared Payne without salt.
Sean O’Brien’s our farmer, but Justin Tipuric doesn’t even own a tractor – he pulls the plough himself.
Anyone wearing an IRFU polo shirt this week has been reaming off stats that paint a terrifying picture of the sheer size of the Welsh team – collectively they weigh more than Ibrox, supposedly.
Plus there is their experience to consider. If you laid all the caps their starting XV have earned end-to-end it would stretch around the coast of Anglesea 86 times.
3. Stress the difficulty of the fixture list
You know what they say, they being any player or coach asked to confidently predict a winning start to the tournament: “You can’t win the Six Nations in first week but you can certainly lose it”.
That’s the spirit!
Wales at home (a match we win more often than we lose this millennium), France in the Stade de France (unbeaten since 2010) and Twickenham (admittedly a sticky wicket) mean we may as well throw in the towel now.
Oh, what we wouldn’t give for Italy at home to get the ball rolling.
4. Pictures of a star player not training always help
If Seanie is out we may as well pack up the tent and go home.
What do you mean he didn’t train today?!?!
Anyone looking for two tickets for Sunday?
5. Whatever you do, don’t stoke the fires of rivalry
The Welsh love this shit and we used to like it more too. We used to be cool, and inflammatory.
When columnist Neil Francis compared Warren Gatland to a tub of Flora last year, the Welsh media revelled in rubbing the margarine in our faces after their win in Cardiff.
But hey, we’re still the champs so how about dredging up Gatty’s dropping of BOD, or even some stuff that might count as legitimate complaints, like illegal tries and the like.
Nope, we love our Welsh brothers.
6. Kill any hope of fancy schtuff
Did you not see the schedule from hell? If anyone tries an offload we’ll be chopping off their hands. Let’s see you try an underhand flick then Robbie, ya little bollix.
Up the jumper, in the skies and on the ground. That’s how we’ll win this Six Nations, if we were to win it. Which we aren’t.
Joe will be happy with a top half finish, but not if it is earned with any of those skip passes. Work of the devil.
7. Remind the fans that history hates us
Remember that time Tom Court got twisted like a pretzel in Twickenham on St Patrick’s Day? Four years ago, post World Cup. Typical.
Ireland suck at Six Nations in post World Cup years. Remind everyone of the fact nobody has ever won three in a row and leave it at that. Your work is done.
We haven’t a prayer.
