The IRFU email headline ‘MAJOR SPORTS ANNOUNCEMENT’ tipped us off
The tender cat will be sprung from the bidding bag on Friday morning as the Government, the Irish Rugby Football Union and the Northern Ireland Executive give some school children time off geography to make an announcement that will change our lives. Forever.
The Irish media convoy will pack sandwiches and a Thermos-ful of Ovaltine as they decamp to The Royal School in Armagh and sit cross-legged at the feet of IRFU chief executive Philip Browne as he tells us what we all know – We are bidding for the 2023 Rugby World Cup. Expect Sports Ministers Leo Varadkar and Michael Ring to be on the scene too.
Ireland faces competition from Argentina, Italy, early favourites South Africa and a combined bid from Canada and America. But, screw that. We’re Ireland. We knocked the Special Olympics out of the park in 2003 and hosted about 184 Eurovisions.
With our expected triumph in mind, we have selected the host cities, and towns, for the leading cup contenders to rest their weary heads.
New Zealand and Limerick
The All Blacks will be made camp in the shadow of Thomond Park and be awoken every morning with a low, eerie ‘Muuuuuuunster, Muuuuuunster’. The Spirit of ’78 should hobble confidence somewhat ahead of the tournament.
England and Connacht
We are sending the Red Roses west of the Shannon and are neglecting to sort them out with any accommodation, grub or transport. They can fend for themselves. We like to call it The Cromwell Package.
Australia and County Cork
The Rebels and Wallabies both have pretty high opinions of themselves without necessarily always backing it up. Munster legend and fair dinkum bloke John Langford has oft professed his love of Cork.
France and Kilcummin, County Mayo
1,000 French soldiers landed in the small coastal town to assist in the 1798 Rebellion. Unfortunately for the Irish rebels, they were two months late.
Wales and Rosslare, County Wexford
This will effectively make it a day-trip for Welsh supporters whenever a big game looms. Mike Phillips (who is sure to be their level-headed coach) and the boys can hop on a Stena-Line at 6am, the morning after their quarter final elimination, and be home in time for lunch.
Which way to Fishguard boys?
Scotland and Rathlin Island
Where better to pack the Scots off to than the island, off the northern coast of Antrim, where Robert The Bruce licked his wounds and marvelled at the persistence of spiders before going back to reclaim his country and wear a crown? Accents are pretty similar too.
South Africa and Belfast
Ulster always have a healthy contingent of South Africans. Whoever the next crop of Ruan Pienaar, Wiehahn Herbst, Louis Ludik and Franco van der Merwe are can get flat-pack bunk beds from IKEA and take seven or eight Springboks each. Sorted.
Italy and Pearse Street, Dublin
We are repaying the Italians for Giuseppe Cervi – the father of the Irish chipper – by plonking them near the site of Ireland’s first ever fish & chip shop.
Italy can cram on the DART to get out to the Aviva Stadium for pool matches and… that’s about it.
Argentina and Kilkenny
We’re making a Pumas and Cats connection here and don’t dare accuse us of running out of good ideas. The Argentine’s do have a hurling club, creatively named Hurling Club, so they will fit in nicely in the land of King Henry and DJ.
