The must know phrases for this year’s Cheltenham festival

All you need to know ahead of the best week of the year for race fans

Even if you don't know one end of a horse from the other, it's hard not to get excited about Cheltenham. The four days of action see thousands converge to watch the cream of National Hunt racing compete against each other. If you're a little nervous about seeming like you don't really know what's going on then let us enlighten you with our easy guide to some of the phrases you'll hear over the next few days. The Talking Horse A horse that is highly regarded and not some magical beast who is propping up a bar chatting the hind leg of  a donkey/punter. Good to firm No, not the description of the consistency of the on-course sandwiches but the state of the  ground conditions for the horses to run in. The Festival Another name for the week-long action in the Cotswolds if you are sick of using the word 'Cheltenham'. Not to be confused with great Irish festivals such as the Rose of Tralee or Lisdoonvarna. Gold Cup day The highlight of the festival on the Friday when the best horses in the world compete for the biggest prize in National Hunt racing. Bumper Not to be confused with the best craic ever at Funderland, these races are flats with inexperienced horses and are normally the last race of the day. If they could electrify the horses and let them crash into each other then it would be so much more fun. Commentators making a mess of Irish jockey's names It's Jim Culloty, not Jim Cu-lottie and its Barry Geraghty, not Ger-aty. Ted Walsh-isms Don't take any offence to what Ruby's dad might say in the ring beforehand such as,  'This is a really lovely horse, I once rode her mother.' Ted can get away with this kind of thing because he's a legend. Ruby/AP If you're a big racing fan then surnames don't count. Amateur Not a description of the lad who goes into the bookie once a year and shells out 50 quid on the first horse he sees, but a non-pro rider who are usually referred to in the rather posh way like Mr or Ms. Ante-Post This means you bet before the event, normally a few days. Not the lost and found for drunk aunts and uncles who spend all their day one winnings in one of the drink tents. Blinkers Horses can't go to Specsavers so to try and focus the animals these rather odd looking hoods are attached to the sides of their eyes and over their ears. It may also refer to that guy squinting at the screen in your local bookies that has races from Asia and France at all hours of the day as he tries to to reclaim his losses. Bookmaker If you fancy some light reading at Cheltenham then these are your men and women. They'll sell you lots of nice dockets for races to pass the time while taking your cash. C'mon,you know what a bookie is for feck's sake. Distance Thankfully Cheltenham hasn't gone metric so everything is still in good old fashioned miles and furlongs instead of pesky metres. A furlong is 220 yards, and there are eight of them in a mile. Each-way If you used to be indecisive but now you're not so sure, this is the way to go with your betting. It means you get some dosh if you horse places 1st, 2nd or 3rd. Serious betting men and women will look in disgust as you put e/w on your slip at the counter. Filly If you want to sound like a dirty old man you can say this a lot on ladies day. Otherwise it refers to a female horse up to four years old. Gelding Use of this phrase tends to make horses and grown men weep.  If horses could sing after becoming geldings they would be the best in choir. But horses can't sing and as a gelding they don't have any balls left either. Handicap You can't have every horse carrying the same weight so the best horse gets the heaviest load to carry, and the worst nag in the field gets a bag of sugar on its back, or something. Horse Those big four legged things that run around on the track with little men on their backs just for the craic. Famous examples include Black Beauty and Shergar (RIP). Juvenile Not youngsters sneaking in alcopops to get hammered when they should be at school, but in jump terms a horse that is three-years-old. Liability Not the reference to your friend who can't hold his drink or the urge to bet all round him on the first four races and then borrow money off you for the rest of the week. It's instead the total amount of money you could lose/win. If you put down €50 at 10/1 the bookies liability to you is €500. Maiden Horses who haven't broken their seal in a winning sense so to speak are refereed to as a 'maiden'. Nap This is the world you want to hear everytime you place a bet. It means that horse that you're putting the college fund on is a guaranteed winner having been tipped by those knowledgeable guys in the paper. National Hunt The traditional name for jumps racing. No actual hunting takes place. Photo finish Waiting for one of these when you have a potential winning betting slip is one of the most agonising things in life. It's worse than waiting for teletext to update in the 1980s. Pulled Up If a horse pulls a hamstring or the equine equivalent, and can't continue in a race, its towed home by the jockey. Short Head This offers no consolation if your horse is beaten by a very minor distance. The term is meant to soften the blow but like the phrase' a good loser'  it still means you're a loser. Loser. Stayers If a horse has the engine of James Milner and just loves running then it's known as a stayer for its incredible stamina. These horses normally go for three-mile distances and beyond. James Milner can run much further but he does't have a little man on his back, unless you count David Silva. Stewards These guys keep everything running smoothly and if there is a bit of controversy then they will sort it out. They are the racing equlivant of the fourth official or the TMO in rugby. Value Surely the horse that wins the race is the best 'value', right? Wrong. Some horses are seemingly good value bets even if they don't win. We haven't quite figured this one out either. Weigh in/out The weight of punters who attend Cheltenham on day one is normally much less than people who endure/survive/complete the four days of boozing,eating and betting. It may also refer to jockeys who are weighed before and after a race just so its clear they carried the right amount on the backs of the horses