The six stages of searching for an All-Ireland final ticket

'Like gold dust'.

If you are from Kerry or Dublin there's only been one thing occupying the mind this week; precious, golden, delicious, papery hens-teeth like tickets. Forget work, forget feeding the dog, and concentrate on who you can put pressure on – Tony Soprano-style –  to get your hands on the most golden prize of all. Two weeks ago, most Kerry fans would have been praying for Mayo to get to the final, not merely to avoid Jim Gavin's Dubs, but mainly to take the sizeable Blue Army out of the ticketing equation. But alas it was not to be and as the ticket scramble reaches tipping point we've put together the six stages of searching for an All-Ireland ticket.

1. Semi-final anxiety

The second the final whistle goes and you've soaked up the excitement of being in an All-Ireland final, you're struck down with the GAA equivalent of 'the fear' as you anticipate the hellish torture that awaits over the coming 2-3 weeks trying to source a ticket. But it's the best feeling in the world too. What would Mayo or Tyrone fans give to be in your situation right now? If you're in a hurling county the first thing you need to do is see if you can sort some swaps. But if you're in Kerry or Dublin, well it's time to get out the phone.

2.Texting people you haven't spoken to in a year 

Desperate times call for desperate measures and that means you ring up people that you would struggle to recognise face-to-face. They are the 'ticket' people. They could be an old club secretary, some lad that used to work delivering milk, or maybe a girl you met in Coppers who somehow came through with two tickets the morning of the last final after robbing her brother's jeans and handing them to you because you bought her a bucket of WKD and a snackbox. Being a gentleman pays off and miracles do happen, even if the conversations can often be like this: Hello? Hi James, how's things, it's Kevin here. Kevin, Kevin who...? Kevin McGillicuddy, I worked with you that one summer in the butcher shop. That was some laugh wasn't it. The craic we had. Oh yeah, how's things boy? Long time no chat? Yeah, I'm grand. Are you going to the game? Ara I'd say I will, and yourself? Well that's why I'm asking. I'm kinda stuck for a ticket and I said I'd give you an 'oul buzz there see if you would keep me in mind like. Hangs up phone James...James? Bo**ocks

3. Use your spare time wisely

Now that you have texted and rang every single person in your phonebook, including all your exes (you never know who might still have a little candle in their heart for you), all you can do now is wait. But anyone looking for an All-Ireland tickets needs to use their time in the most productive way possible and that means liking and sharing every single Facebook post that says they have two tickets to give away. Log in as your brother and like and share from his page too. Jesus, even create a fake Facebook profile to like and share again if you have to. Seriously, how did a hairdressers in Clonmel get two f**king All-Ireland tickets? And if/when I win them, how am I going to collect them?

4. Chill

The important thing to remember when you don't have an All-Ireland ticket is not to panic. Not even when it's Saturday morning and everybody you texted last Monday week has failed to respond to your pleadings. You have two choices when you don't have a ticket at the weekend of the final. You can either ring or text all those people again, or you could go on the biggest pub crawl without drinking a drop. Brendan Behan would be proud of your efforts to visit every tavern in the capital to chat up men and women of all ages in order to see if they have a precious ticket. You still have the option of Sunday morning outside the Gresham, but crucial ground-work needs to be laid the night before. Oh, and Coppers. There's always Coppers. Speaking of Coppers, guards have loads of tickets,try chatting some of them up.

5. Sunday morning sickness

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ft7wEehEMdo This may or may not be related to your activities on Saturday night but if you still without a ticket it's time to get out the big guns. Making a homemade sign and attaching it to the front of your 'vintage' jersey is bound to get you some attention. It will also save your vocal chords for later in the day. Radio Kerry do a live broadcast from the Gresham. Get in there and get on to Weeshe to chance your arm as well. Ring 98fm, ring FM104, ring the community techno radio station that broadcasts out of some teenager's bedroom in Coolock to plead for tickets. On the Sunday of a final there is nothing that you can;t debase yourself into doing to try and win an All-Ireland ticket. Just think 'what would Marty Morrissey do?'.

6.The Holy Grail.

Who knew something so small could give you so much pleasure? The feeling when you can walk past gleefully the touts asking for anyone 'selling' tickets' happy in the knowledge that you're in the Nally Stand. God I love the Nally Stand. And then you're worried that it's a fake ticket and you're going to be rejected at the gate. But you get in and all is well in the world again.