Do not f**king make a headline.
GAA interviews are a pain in the hole for all involved in teams. They don’t like the scrutiny, they’re paranoid about the questions and they’re worried about the eyes that are going to be on their every word.
Over time though, the art of saying absolutely nothing in an interview has been perfected.
Use some of these tips and you’ll have enough words to fill in the dead air but you won’t really say anything after five minutes of questions.
1. Being ambitious
“We’re going to put our best foot forward.”
Whatever you do, never put your worst foot forward.
2. Being coy
“All we can do is take each game as it comes.”
If someone asks you about the championship, about last year, about your form, ambitions, the greatest score of all time that your centre forward just produced, don’t get carried away with yourself.
3. The lookit-suppose sandwich
“Lookit, that’s part and parcel of the game, I suppose.”
If you are going to say something controversial or comment on the fight or maybe even be honest about you saw out there, give it the old lookit-suppose sandwich. It softens the blow.
4. Make sure you soul-search
“We’ll lick our wounds, go away and do a bit of soul-searching. We’ll have to ask ourselves some questions after that.”
Just let people know that you don’t accept mediocrity.
5. Always dress up a defeat
“I don’t think 15 points is a fair reflection of what we saw out there. There’s not that much between the two teams.”
You’re much better than that of course.
6. Always play down a victory
“I think the goals probably came at just the wrong time for them and, with some of the chances they had, on another day they could’ve won by 16.”
Never take pride in what you did.
7. Use the media to fire your team up
“We’ve been reading all sorts in the media, saying we’re this and that and suggesting we don’t have the forwards.”
If that doesn’t get them fired up, nothing will.
8. Use the media to calm your team down
“We’re not too bothered about what we read in the papers. If that’s people’s opinions, then that’s their opinions.”
You’re above all that. And, of course, they’re entitled to their opinions.
9. Blame the referee but don’t blame him
“Lookit, I’m not going to get bogged down in blaming referees but I’m sure everyone will watch it back and see what I’m talking about.”
Don’t actually talk about it though.
10. Tell people you only train twice a week
“We’ll just get back out on Monday Tuesday and take it from there.”
Tuesday and Thursday and for God’s sake do not mention training in the winter.
11. Always push it back
“That’s a question for another day.”
Never let another day come. Unless you get sacked.
12. Exaggerate
“We have 14 lads studying in Dublin and nine boys out injured. Between that and trying to get boys off work to come to training on a Monday Tuesday and Thursday, it’s a real struggle.”
Remind them that you’re amateurs.
13. Focus on yourself
“All we can do is worry about our own game plan and get our own house in order. We can’t start concentrating on other teams.”
Tell them it’s a question for another day or that it’s part and parcel of the game when you you’ve targeted two of their players for thumpings.
14. Don’t take credit
“Yeah we’ve won the championship but we could just as easily have lost it. We know what we have to work on and we’ll go away and look at it.”
Don’t enjoy anything.
15. Tell people you enjoy it
“Lookit, it’s a short career and we’re the lucky ones who gets to play. That’s why you do it, at the end of the day.”
At the end of the day will fill at least another second and a half air time. It also makes it seem like you’re actually answering the question you were asked.
16. Keep your head down
“We’ll just keep our heads down and keep working.”
Just do it, okay.
17. The manager picks the team
“Of course I’d love to play but the manager picks the team. You’ll have to ask him.”
18. Let the interview take on a life of its own
“The game took on a life of its own out there. It ebbed and flowed and it could’ve went either way.”
Good job it was a game of two halves.
19. Get over the line
“Lookit, we’re just relieved we got over the line in the end, I suppose. We live to fight another day.”
Lucky enough too, I bet.
