Any chance RTE might do a cull of the GAA coverage?
We know you sit at home on a Sunday evening watching The Movie Show The Sunday Game. If you are anything like us you’re probably thinking “I’d fancy a crack of that”.
If you think that you’d do better than Joe or Pat, or maybe even Donal Óg, then step this way as we break down the seven easy steps to becoming a regular face on RTE.
It’s a place where you can change your opinion every week, where the colour of your suit and tie is more important than your analysis, and where you can have the ‘craic’ with Des every Sunday during the summer.
It’s what the GAA is all about.
Step One – Testicles
We mean liathriodí, in the biological sense as well as the hard-hitting analysis stakes.
Sure, there is women on once a year when RTE decide to show some token camogie or ladies football matches, but for the rest of the summer it’s very much a testosterone-filled studio. Sweaty men talking about even sweatier men. Man up.
Step Two – Clothes
What is a man unless he is coiffured to an inch of his life in a suit designed to maximise his crotch area, so that his meat and two veg are on show for the whole entire nation to look at too.
The tighter the suit, the more your analysis will be accepted by yer average buck at home, with his curry takeaway spilling down his Mayo jersey.
Rumours persist that RTE are planning on a prize for the man with the nicest suit to replace a man-of-the-match award.
@whelo35 & @JoeBrolly1993 taking simultaneous pics of Eamon O'Hara from different angles. Good work lads #Snap – pic.twitter.com/8U1OqgRNM0
— 𝘿𝙪𝙗𝙈𝙖𝙩𝙘𝙝𝙏𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙧 (@DubMatchTracker) May 19, 2013
@TheSundayGame with the great @Coulter12Benny kitted out in @Lapel1865 👍 pic.twitter.com/5Lkja2obI9
— Tomás Ó Sé (@tomas5ky) May 17, 2015
Step Three – Degree in Maths
Did you do honours maths for your Leaving? If you didn’t, then we may need to send you to grinds to sharpen up so you can draw the perfect triangle, fill in a box with loads of arrows and generally go wild like it’s Microsft Paint ’97.
We are just waiting for the day that this happens:
Step Four – Clichés
If you want to be more than just an ‘impact player’ then you’ll have to ‘put your shoulder to the wheel’ and show your ‘passion for the game’ by highlighting your role as ‘consummate team player’ every time you’re on screen.
In analysing games, remember that ’50-50 ball’ is vital, ‘midfield will be key’, that your looking at ‘typical modern wing forwards’. Tick all those boxes and you’re the ‘workhorse’ that this show needs.
No need for big fancy words – sure don’t we have all the words we need on Des’ teleprompter.
Step Five – Chips
If you can balance two on both shoulders all the better but sometimes one is enough for you to sustain a whole career.
Pick a topic, say Ulster football/Sean Cavanagh/Mayo/Dublin/How great Kerry are, and wedge it into conversation each and every time you can.
Even if you’re talking about Roscommon v London make sure to bring the conversation back to your favourite topic.
It’s what the viewers want. And you’re all about satisfaction.
Step Six – Unflappable hair
You may sometimes be asked to mix with the savages supporters at live games and the make-up budget may not stretch to fixing your hair mid-match.
The last thing you want is your €60 bouffant or perm getting in Joe’s eyes to make him even more myopic than he already is.
Therefore a tight, sensible championship haircut is advisable or, if at all possible, bald. It saves so much fluffing time. Ask Cyril and Dalo for advice.
Step Seven – Ego
“Alright lads get them out.”
“Out where?”
“Up on the table there.”
“Mine won’t fit, the table’s too small”
“Ha, that’s not what I heard wha!”
“Jesus Des, Darragh Maloney would never do this to Dunphy or Brady.”
“That’s ‘cos Dunphy has no medals wha”
“Call the ROFL-copter.”
You should always be prepared to whip them out at any stage because sometimes The Sunday Game can become a bit of a ******** **** competition.
