It’s unforgiving, it takes no prisoners, show any signs of weakness, and you’ve lost it all, really.

There’s years of history, there’s blood, there’s sweat and there’s tears. Men fight tooth and nail to make a name for themselves in a GAA dressing room.

Confidence is key, an intolerance for bullshit is crucial. It can’t be too serious, though, because there has to be a balance struck between having some light-hearted craic with the boys and making a name for for yourself.

Some lads can cut the mustard through performance alone, just because they’re so good at the game, but for the most of us, it’s all about feeling welcomed by your teammates.

Sometimes all it takes is one small psychological step to make the difference, but that small step can change a man’s life in his GAA club.

It’s all about routine, because once you let the others know that you mean business, they won’t mess you around, they will begin to respect you, and respect from one’s teammates can do so much for a player.

It’s a confidence game, is the GAA, and one of the most important steps in improving your own performance on the playing field, is ensuring that you see eye-to-eye with your teammates, that you feel like you’re one of them.

That’s why off-the-field, pre and post-training habits of individuals define your role in a GAA club.

Each player has his own spot in the dressing room, and the arrangement of this is no fluke.

Where some of the biggest characters emerge in the dressing room, believe it or not, is in the post-game showers.

There’s a fine balance between nailing it, and failing it, but here’s our guidelines on how to succeed and how not to.

The dos.

•  As the saying goes, “If you want to look well, conveniently position yourself who is aesthetically less well off than you. You have to perform this under the radar, but if you nail it, you will be rewarded. Stand beside a man who’s hung like a hamster, not a horse.
• If you’re a young fella, trying to make yourself popular amongst the senior members of the team, you’re going to have to make some sacrifices. This is going to be painful, it’s going to be costly, but it’ll be worth it in the long run. Bring shower gel, bring shampoo. You probably won’t get it back, and if you do there’ll be none left, but they will begin to like you. They’ll realise you’re not scabby, and that’s a very unattractive trait in a person. You must have some serious credentials to take someone else’s.
• Relax, have a chat with the lad beside you, the last thing you want to appear as is nervous and edgy. Have a conversation starter prepared.

The don’ts

• You simply can’t wear a pair of boxers or underwear into the showers. It’s an immediate admission of defeat and nerves. Teammates will catch onto it straight away, and awkward questions will be asked. Any man who fails this test might as well never show their face in a dressing room again.
• Don’t make silly mistakes, like leaving your boots or runners lying out on the dressing room floor. The boys are savages, they’ll have them tied together and hung up on a clothes hanger by the time you’ve whipped your towel off. There’s no need for this, but they boys are relentless. We know what you’re up to Paul, you divil.

• Never be the first person into the showers. They’re going to be cold, they’ll take about 45 seconds to warm-up, one of the big boys will sneak in behind you and nudge you under the ice cold flow of it. This comes across as a rookie error, you’re just offering yourself up like a lamb for slaughter.
• Dry yourself in the bloody drying area, not in the dressing room. If you go back in dripping wet on top of everybody’s gear, you’re a c*nt, and it’s just an excuse for lads to dislike you/

• If you’re carrying a few extra pounds, maybe you’re growing a little belly. Don’t be afraid and turn towards the wall to hide it. This just makes lads more curious, and literally gives them a full round of ammunition to slag you with. Just pretend you don’t care.
• Never, ever be that vein little prick that spends his drying time flexing in the mirror. You will be hated.
• Never take a man’s shower gel without asking, blasphemy.
• Don’t prop your foot up on a dressing room bench to dry your rear-end, surprisingly, you’re not a Greek God.
• You can’t rush home without taking a shower, nobody likes you if you’re smelly.

Just relax, be yourself, that’s the best you can be.

The FootballJOE quiz: Were you paying attention? – episode 10