2016 season, you’re not gone yet.
To celebrate, we’ve decided to give you another opportunity to enjoy/be enraged by our effort to cobble together 34 different films which best describe each county’s football team ahead of another year of Gaelic Football which is sure to throw up more ups and downs, thrills and spills, tears and joy than any cinema experience could ever give you.
So, without further ado, action!
Donegal
Paranormal Activity
Jim McGuinness changed the way a lot of football thinkers looked at the game. He went beyond what people thought possible. In his absence, Donegal reeled out a prequel and Rory Gallagher was asked to summon the paranormal again. Unfortunately for him, those movies get progressively worse. But every great horror has one last scare.
Derry
Jeepers Creepers
Starts off intriguingly. We’re reeled in time and time again by a teasing start and people actually sit up and start thinking this could be a decent watch. Crashes spectacularly and completely loses the plot when the real action should only be starting.
Antrim
Field of Dreams
If you build it, they will come. People will come. If you don’t build it, they won’t. And, as Antrim’s plans for a swanky new Casement Park stadium still remain plans, the Saffrons are left playing ball on their own with imaginary friends.
Down
Django Unchained
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.” So went Christoph Waltz’s last words in a relentless, bloody shootout. So goes Down’s attack first, ask questions later mantra. The Mourne men are Joe Brolly’s wet dream. A savage, insatiable bloodhound who would continue to gobble at prey even on their last legs. Dr King Schultz has just been killed off though and, without Marty Clarke, they’ll have to do this without their best character.
Armagh
The Force Awakens
After the empire struck back and cruelly put a daring Armagh in their place, it was time for the return of the jedi Geezer came back to rally the Orchard county once more but, with morale low and their men wounded, it was always going to take time for Armagh to relearn the ways of the force. There’s no-one better to teach them. The resistance begins in 2016.
Monaghan
Friday Night Lights
A group of the finest young men and athletes coming together and inspiring a small community. Likable characters, ready to mix it and ready to play with full hearts. They’re successful too. Monaghan’s conundrum and task is not to peak in high school. In Friday Night Lights, the team deal with the reality of life as they know it ending when their season ends. That’s it. As good as it gets. Can the Farney men push past that Ulster championship?
Cavan
Youngblood
Cavan are blessed with a wealth of young talent and they’re also blessed with an enviable Patrick Swayze reference. For any nay-Swayers out there (I’m really sorry), Youngblood is the story of the struggling Hamilton Mustangs (the local ice hockey team, obviously) who have a youthful hot prospect on their hands. But Dean Youngblood must first learn to toughen up and mix it so, simple as that, his brother takes him to the barn and teaches him how to fight. He’s destined for greatness though. Again.
Fermanagh
Rocky
Down and out, left to fight it out in dirty clubs to prove there’s still talent there and, when no respect was even being hinted at, they believed in themselves. Mickey was just about to give the locker to a younger hopeful but Fermanagh and Pete McGrath knew there was something inside of them. Glorious defeats turned to results with the right montage. As predicted last year, they wouldn’t be winning no championships but could certainly shake up some of the big guns. “All I wanna do is go the distance.”
Tyrone
Rocky Balboa
“There’s just some stuff in the basement.” In an era of such dominance, it’s surreal that five seasons have passed without an Ulster title for Tyrone. They were in danger of being left behind as the new, young, slick operators burst onto the scene and took centre stage. But Mickey Harte isn’t done. He proved that last year. He’s got one more fight to come.
Louth
Moneyball
“We’re being gutted.” The Oakland A’s lost their big hitters and it was left to Billy Beane to make up the difference in the aggregate. Colin Kelly had the same task on his hands after Paddy Keenan’s retirement to find a different winning formula on a shoe-string. It’s only been five years since Louth were screwed out of a Leinster title but as Brad Pitt brilliantly stated in the film, “If you lose the last game of the season, nobody gives a s**t.”
Meath
Rocky IV
Been to four of the last six provincial finals – would’ve been more impressive if not for a collapse against their rivals. Lost only on those deciders to the seemingly unstoppable Dublin. Drago was once thought unbeatable, too. He trained with state-of-the-art equipment, he was bigger, stronger and more frightening than anyone had witnessed before but, do you know what, he was a man. Dublin have proven before that they are not unbreachable, just like that epic Rocky punch that drew blood from Drago. “He’s cut! He’s cut! He’s not a machine, he’s a man!” Meath must climb a mountain to call out Jim Gavin’s troops.
Westmeath
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
There had been a bit of apathy around Westmeath recently. A county blessed with potential winners, it was like they were being forced as tributes into battle. If they just fought, they could actually shake a few things up. Tom Cribben found the tonic and made Westmeath realise that it’s kill or be killed. Now they realise that they’re actually a dangerous proposition. And they could be all the more deadly for it.
Longford
The Prestige
An illusion gone horribly wrong…
Longford are the masters of deception, you never know which magician is going to turn up. Has powers to wow a crowd but is equally as prone into fooling you into thinking they could do something.
Dublin
The Wolf of Wall Street
They were down, they picked themselves back up. They were down, they picked themselves back up again. Now, they are seemingly riding an unstoppable tidal wave. Resources, money, training, talent and, what seems to often get lost, hunger to reach the top. There are only more good times ahead. Wild times. Now, suddenly, people are starting to investigate. They’re snooping around and want to see them collapse. Only now. Ironic that. No-one gave a shit when they weren’t at the top. But Dublin couldn’t give a shit about them. Let the good times roll.
Kildare
The NeverEnding Story
One of these days, Kildare will have to come back out of hiding and face up to their bullies. They can’t keep cooped up reading about fantasy forever. A never-ending fantasy, at that. One Leinster final appearance in the last 11 years is way below what they are capable of. They need to get over the line at some stage.
Wicklow
Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
Thrills and spills, entertaining all the while. Leighton Glynn and Seanie Furlong are two of the finest marksmen in the east and it will take a lot to put them down. Ultimately though, they’re going down. No matter how hard they fight.
Offaly
The Land Before Time
They’ve never seen a drought like it. For a few years, Offaly had been wandering aimlessly after their habitat was destroyed. The youngsters have heard of this Great Valley, the evergreen valley, but they have no clue what it looks like. They must find it or risk extinction (alright, it’s not that extreme). Are they starting to get a sniff of it though?
Laois
Crossroads
Many a Laois man will surely relate to Britney Spears in this coming-of-age classic. We haven’t seen it (promise) but we’re guessing it’s a classic. Laois have been coming and going now for the last while and they find themselves at that infamous old junction of life that Britney and her pals visited too. They need to make a decision. They could be welcoming Dublin to Portlaoise in the championship if they get things right.
Carlow
Dumb and Dumber
“These guys aren’t just anyone, they’re good!” Even Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels saw off some trouble, however accidentally. But, ultimately, they weren’t even aware they were doing any of it themselves. Ultimately, they had no hope.
Kilkenny
Home Alone 4
Yeah, we didn’t know there was one either. Kilkenny might not compete for the national league or Sam Maguire but they’re a dab hand at the British Junior Championship. They’re the only county in Ireland not to contest the football here. Home Alone 4: Lost in London.
Wexford
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
We’re not sure why, but we’re gradually becoming interested. David Power came in to take the reins at Wexford Park and, if he took one thing from the like of Eamon Fitzmaurice and Jim McGuinness, it is singleness of thought. The former Tipp minor boss will be under plenty of scrutiny from old-timers insulted by his youth. He must rule his way and be judged on his results. He’s showing signs of entertaining the crowds though.
Waterford
Movie 43
You don’t want to watch this film.
A decent cast come together to put on the worst, most unpredictable performance.
Tipperary
300: Rise of an Empire
It’s coming. There’s only so many times you can poke the bear and Tipperary have awoken now. The Premier County have laid on some master classes in the art of vicious killing and, gradually, more and more are coming to their aid. They have an unenviable task of overthrowing the Kingdom but the empire is rising.
Limerick
The Perfect Storm
Difficult to know whether Limerick are coming out of the worst or heading right into a 100-foot wave. Someone needs to take a firm grip of that wheel because there’s a storm whipping up if they’re not careful.
Cork
50/50
One second, Cork are genuine contenders. On the other, you would dismiss them just as quickly. 50/50 is the story of a young man who is diagnosed with a bad illness. He’s got a good life, he’s got a girlfriend but he also has other options. As his condition worsens, he realises he must actually face up to the reality of what is happening and make some crucial life decisions before it’s too late… Or he could just blame the county board.
Kerry
The Empire Strikes Back
Does anyone really think that the destruction of the Death Star will see The Empire slide quietly into the dark never to raise its head again? The once fearsome and mammoth kingdom has discovered its power again and, despite being brought to its knees by Dublin on the brink of total domination, they will plot again and prepare to attack. Their fragility won’t last. It never does.
Clare
Rambo: First Blood
This man is dangerous. Outnumbered, underequipped, and couldn’t give one rat’s ass. Rambo will go right into the lion’s den and cause all sorts of chaos. Clare are coming. They’re stirring up a serious racket and they’re going to draw more blood this year. A one-man mission will take time though.
Sligo
The Good Fight
A group of lion-heart young Americans sneak into Spain to help the Republicans during the Spanish Civil War. Admirable, noble, worthy but, ultimately, they’re going down fighting.
Roscommon
The Fighter
The new age of Rossies are probably sick to the back teeth of hearing about the modest successes of the past. They’re good enough now to stand on their own and create even bigger feats but they have been slugging along and underperforming. Micky Ward was better than Dicky. But he needed to stop getting distracted.
Leitrim
Falling Down
The story of a nice, normal, everyday man who finally just flips the lid and rampages around town with a bagful of guns until he gets the manners he’s looking for in society. Emlyn Mulligan is back. And he’s had enough of Leitrim’s begrudgers. There might be some pain dished out this year.
Galway
Begin Again
Revivals take time. Kevin Walsh and Galway have had a couple of false dawns after finding each other. They dared to dream but you just don’t start a new life and excel just like that. They could be a perfect fit but they must reinvent themselves. They’re obviously willing to try.
Mayo
Final Destination
We know where they’re going, we know where they’re headed but we also know what happens when they get there. The poor things. It’s getting hard to watch now. The inevitability is crushing. Gripping ride though.
New York
Lost in Translation
We’re all fond of the hopeless, bemused visitor but Bill Murray didn’t care much for how endearing the people of Tokyo found him. A pissed off Murray in a different culture, with a different language and a different way of life makes this a hilarious watch. Hilarious for us. But the New York equivalent probably don’t find it as funny.
London
Shawshank Redemption
When you become institutionalised, the last thing you need is a new element. London reaching the Connacht final in 2013 was probably the best/worst thing they could’ve done. It’s got them hoping. As we learn, hope is a good thing. But that new way of life isn’t always good when you’re as fragile as old Brooks.
