The GAA dugout is a special place.
If one thing would make a player want to bust balls to get onto a team, it’s an afternoon on the bench.
From people obstructing your view, lads arse-licking the manager, know-it-alls, disgruntled folk and supporters joining the charade, 60 minutes in a club dugout can feel like a very, very long time.
Take a look at one of the most GAA photos of all time and see if you can recognise any of the characters there.
*Disclaimer: What’s written about these characters is totally fictional but if you do know anyone here, let us know how accurate we are.
It’s just your normal, typical dugout.
But every Sunday, up and down the country and all over the world, a photo will unfold exactly like this one with subs and backroom teams watching on at a game of GAA as if there’s nothing else going on anywhere else on the planet.
We’ve broken it down to calculate just how much GAA is in this photo exactly and to take a look at all the characters that are in every club.
The trio with three very different agendas.
1. “We brought eight footballs, we better be leaving with eight. Or nine.”
2. “Just one excuse, give me one excuse to run onto that field and sort number 5 out.”
3. “The kickouts are killing us.”
The trio that call themselves the brains of the operation.
1. Can tell you all about the opposition’s careers from when they were under-14.
2. Gets to wear the Bainisteoir bib because the manager doesn’t like being made a fuss over.
3. Has accepted that he won’t be coming on.
The core subs.
1. Warms up in front of the manager every time someone fucks up.
2. Dropped because he played soccer this morning and he is not happy about it. Threatening to go home.
3. “If I stand perfectly still, maybe no-one will smell the drink off me.”
4. An actual quality player trying to ignore the chaos in the dugout.
5. Waiting for the quality player to come on so he can nick his jacket for an extra layer.
The senior crew.
1. Thinking about how much running they’re going to do on Tuesday night.
2. Smokes a pipe in the dugout. Comes into the changing rooms after to celebrate. Doesn’t really have a role but a great character who’s always there despite no-one asking.
3. Coaches the under-10s. Doesn’t agree with how the seniors are being run but doesn’t say anything.
4. The chairman tallying up fines and length of suspensions as the game goes ahead.
5. Wondering why Johnny isn’t on.
The friends of friends.
1. He was an amazing player 10 years ago so the manager brought him into the backroom team to do nothing really.
2. He’s friends with the cowboy hat. They wouldn’t miss a game no matter where it was.
The backbenchers.
1. Winging it with the stats. Will ask several times what just happened and who scored.
2. He’s not happy.
3. He’s shitting himself in case he has to come on.
Diarmuid Connolly makes his long overdue GAA Hour debut and talks to Colm Parkinson about everything from the black card to his rivalry with Lee Keegan and how he honed the ability to kick accurately with either foot.
