The fun has to come to a stop at some stage.
There are some real heroes out there, dedicated club men who drop through the grades just so they can keep togging out as long as the body will allow it.
At the start of this year’s Dublin senior football league, division 8, campaign we came up against one such figure. He came on as a sub for Na Fianna in the second half and kicked a point off his left from the right sideline, a point off his right from the left sideline and another for good luck.
It turned out he was a veteran of the dominant Na Fianna team of the late 1990s and early 2000s, he was still lining out in Junior C football as he wanted to play with his son for a few years before hanging up his boots.
Admirable and commendable, but probably easier to do when you have magic in those boots. For most run-of-the-mill club players, the signs that it is time to retire become harder and harder to ignore.
With the clocks going back it seems a natural time to reflect on a career and ask whether it has naturally run its course. We identify some key signs that it may be time to become an ex-player.
1. You finally have the respect of referees
When they all know you by name and patiently, respectfully explain their decisions you know you’re getting on.
2. You swear you’ll pack it in when your boots do
Why the fuck did you invest in those Puma Kings? They’re indestructible.
3. You’re sponsoring the jerseys
Life has been good to you, you’ve had some success in your (professional) career and want to give a little back to the club. Only problem is, you’re running around with your own name on your chest.
4. You have a loyalty card for club physio’s private practice
The aches and strains are unavoidable at this stage and impossible to ignore, however your young team-mates are getting pissed off with you hogging the table before, sometimes during and always after training. The physio recognises your pain and cuts you a good deal for private visits. You are sponsoring the jerseys after all.
5. The manager was playing minor when you were Under-21
It’s not his age, it’s not the fact he had his own ‘Bainisteoir’ polo shirts printed, it’s not even the fact he was appointed without any of the panel being consulted. It’s the fact he was never any use. That’s what grates.
6. You’re not putting the same effort into dodging training as you used to
Just because…
7. Way too many WhatsApp groups as well
What was wrong with making a plan and sticking to it? An awful lot of talk in these groups, interrupting Emmerdale, Eastenders and Corrie.
8. You were drunk at several of your team-mates’ christenings
That corner-back is a serious operator, but you can remember him in his white dress having oil smeared on his forehead.
9. You take an a la carte approach to the warm-up
Stretching is okay, a few drills are spot on but you leave off the sprints. You cannot bank on that ‘second wind’ anymore. A couple of strategic toilet breaks are called for. Anyway, the bladder is not what it used to be.
10. You are a huge advocate of the black card
Not because you hate cynical play (heaven forbid) but because it is a great way to save face when you’re blowing out your arse after 40 minutes of playing wing-forward for the reserves.
11. Fucking gym programmes
Seriously, what’s the point? You have your sciatica to consider.
12. You can remember when all this – the second pitch and the hurling wall – were fields
You have seen the club develop but now it is time to hand it on to the next generation, with their gym programmes and WhatsApp groups.
Colm Parkinson is joined by Paul Rouse for a heated debate about Sky Sports’ five-year GAA deal and an exclusive chat with AFL star Zach Tuohy on the new GAA Hour. Subscribe here on iTunes
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