12 reasons why the GAA World Cup would be way better than the FIFA World Cup

Liam Ó Néill, make us dream.

The GAA president’s comments today that he foresees a future world competition between national teams has us frothing at the mouth.

Abu Dhabi is set to host the first World Games with teams from all over the globe arriving in March to celebrate a festival of Irish sport and culture.  And, as the uachtarán himself predicted that “Gaelic Games are going to become a global phenomenon”, we have been pining for our very own GAA World Cup to show off to the planet.

Imagine, Italy playing France (again) in Japan or Brazil or New Zealand – we don’t care, whoever bids the most for it – with the eyes of the world watching on as Marty Morrissey presents the opening ceremony.  We know it would be a success and here are the reasons why it would be even better than that “ground-ball” format they’re using at the minute.

1. Adrian Chiles
Imagine a World Cup without Adrian Chiles.  Just imagine.  No-one to really grind your gears at half time as he takes over the punditry with his own bizarre attention-seeking opinions, no-one to interrupt a penalty shootout in time for a commercial break and no-one to insult Martin O’Neill because he wears glasses.  Oh no, we’d draft in Mícheál Ó Muircheartaigh to show them all how it’s done and we’d have none of this nonsense to endure.

2. Luis Suarez
The 2014 FIFA World Cup was one of the best in a while but even in all of its success, we still had Luis Suarez sticking his teeth in where they weren’t wanted.  The GAA World Cup would be a bite-free zone.  I know that’s asking a lot but it would be demanded of every country.

3. Character
We’d actually have players with a bit of personality.  No more of this rubbish, “yeah, it was a tough game, it’s going to be a tough game. We’re just delighted to get there in the end. We know it’s going to be tough, it’s all so tough.  I’m not answering that.  Tough.”  No, no, we would have boys making the most of the eyes of the world on them and filling the camera with priceless anecdotes and bashing down anyone who doubted them.  Interviews, build-ups and wrap-ups would actually be worth watching.

4. England
A world where England actually know and accept that they’re crap.  A world that starts in the 21st century, never to breathe the words 1966 ever. A world where English pundits aren’t proclaiming they’ll win next year and the year after that and the one after that too because they’ve found another quick player.  Jaysus, that’s a perfect world.

5. Real men
We could actually change the world.  For the better.  In an age where our youngsters are growing up idolising fools who are throwing themselves over at the sign of a sharp exhale, the future Arjen Robbens could be moulded with the backbone of a Diarmuid O’Sullivan.  That’s a world I want to live in.
This nonsense…

Could be replaced with this…

6. Sepp Blatter
Where Sepp Blatter is ruling the biggest sporting organisaton with a hidden fist under a dodgy table, the GAA are putting their trust in primary school principals like Liam Ó Néill.  The GAA wouldn’t be forced to have its World Cup hosted in questionable climates.

7. Phil Neville
We wouldn’t have to endure the insufferable terrestrial TV co-commentary that somehow is just inevitable with World Cups.  No Andy Townsends, no Mark Lawrensons and certainly no Phillip bloody Nevilles.

8. Fans
Rather than having supporters separated, having security on stand-by and having fights break out between rival nations, the typical GAA fan will sit side by side, watch the game together, argue with one another and share a sandwich at half time.

9. Excitement
Instead of pretending that we actually do have something to watch after the group stages, instead of over-analysing every corner and yellow card and acting like they were significant or in any way entertaining, we could have some proper end-to-end action on our hands for a full day every day of a full six weeks.  And, sure, when it’s not exciting, the folk at RTÉ will be more than happy to point that out.

10. John 3:7

Stadiums all over the world could be infested by this guy.

11. We’re going to win it
Surely we’ll go past the point of celebrating taking part.  Right?  I mean, for the first few anyway we should be raging hot favourites to pick up a maiden World Cup triumph.  Then in 50 years’ time, when the Moroccans are dominating and holding the old ‘you invented it, we showed you how to play it’ mantra over our heads, we could maybe be the England of the GAA.  Sure at least we’ll love ourselves.

12. Adrian Chiles
Worth mentioning twice.  No Chiles for a World Cup and we wouldn’t even need him for the GAA Euros either.  Imagine a world where pundits aren’t asked to dissect the severity of a heavy rainfall…

The FootballJOE quiz: Were you paying attention? – episode 10