Every miserable Arsenal report ever – your guide to the Premier League standard

To follow Arsenal Football Club is to live in a permanent state of Groundhog Day.

The same things happen and happen and happen again, echoing through the years with a predictability that would be troubling if it wasn’t so funny.

While most neutrals can happily rely on the Gunners to provide some light relief in times of hardship (a Champions League elimination after being dumped; a post-Brexit injury crisis), there is also a legion of people for whom the repeated failures spell misery.

No, not the fans: the poor, downtrodden journalists and bloggers who have to file fresh copy after each Arsenal match – and, therefore, after each Arsenal failure.

The task is a sapping one. Imagine hauling Atlas Stones to the top of a mountain two to three times a year, with nothing more than the promise of a very reasonable buffet lunch and a few hundred new Twitter followers as reward, and you’ll be in the right ballpark.

Beef, Chicken or Vegetable Pies at HT at Arsenal pic.twitter.com/Zj5JKXgq71

— Ian Abrahams (Moose) (@BroadcastMoose) August 14, 2016

It’s an open secret within the game that the poor atmosphere at the Emirates is born not of a lack of passion but of awkwardness; thoughtful home fans see the hacks sobbing into their laptops and rightly adjudge that cheering would only make the torment worse.

With football showing no sign of stopping and Arsenal still commendably committed to fits of hilarious awfulness, it’s time someone took a stand on behalf of the wordy underclass.

Here, then, is a brief, reusable template for future pieces on Arsenal failures, printed here under some part of the commercial commons I can’t be bothered to Google, with handy expert annotations in brackets:

***

Oh, Arsenal. (Solid start to any piece of this nature, hinting at knowing disappointment and paving the way for more hard-hitting sentences to follow).

Just when it appeared things could not get any worse, the Gunners [started the the season with a loss/crashed out of the Champions League/finished fourth] again on [insert day of the week], slumping to a [insert scoreline] defeat to [insert team name] that again casts doubt on the future of Arsene Wenger and the prospects of Western civilisation as a whole. (Arsenal fans like to dramatise, so good to get them onside early).

As [boos echoed around the Emirates/fans showed little posters adorably printed on A4 sheets], Wenger cut an increasingly frustrated figure on the touchline, unable to hide his disgust as a series of defensive lapses cost his side once again.

Here, the main culprit was [Per Mertesacker/Gabriel/Calum Chambers], who looked all at sea as [insert name of opposition attacker] ran riot. (Feel free to name more than one defender here and add more detail as required).

[Name of guilty defender] was eventually [hauled/sent] off as the Gunners pushed forward in search of an equaliser in the closing stages, rallying to exactly the level required to remind fans that they could have won the match had they played that way for 90 minutes.

[Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain/Joel Campbell/Danny Welbeck] provided a timely reminder of his ability with his first goal of the season, but it would prove to be little more than a consolation effort. (There’s a slim chance that it will be their second goal of the season rather than their first, so take care here).

Now, the inquest begins. Wenger drew the ire of fans with his starting XI, leaving [insert name of middling fan favourite here] on the bench in favour of [insert name of Theo Walcott-like player], who once again played in fits and starts before fading from the contest.

The defence, rocked by the recent injury to [Per Mertesacker/Laurent Koscielny], looked shorn of belief and conviction, falling apart at the first sign of pressure.

There were mitigating circumstances, of course. The absence of [insert names of between three and six prominent players, at least two of whom played international football in the month before the match in question] disrupted Wenger’s preparations, while [Aaron Ramsey/Alexis Sanchez/Santi Cazorla] was forced off with an injury in the second half, prompting criticism from Raymond Verheijen on Twitter. (This bit might need updating if and when Verheijen loses the capacity to tweet).

As the Arsenal injury pattern keeps repeating itself, it is a clear sign Arsene Wenger still has not discovered the underlying reason.

— Raymond Verheijen (@raymondverheije) August 15, 2016

Wenger was forced to put his faith in [insert name of player signed as a squad player with an eye on the future], who showed promise but looked a touch overawed by the occasion. Jack Wilshere was another who missed out.

Wenger will also point to the fact that [insert name of new, big-money signing that plugged a gap that existed two seasons ago] is being integrated into the side slowly, but the club’s lack of transfer activity during the [summer/January] window has angered supporters and there remain question marks over Olivier Giroud and the centre-backs.

With growing disquiet in north London, Wenger must hope that [the Gunners put in a slightly better second-leg display to save some face/Mesut Ozil gets fit soon/Arsenal’s top-four rivals all self-destruct again] in order to get this juggernaut moving again.

If not, it could be a long old [season/summer/week] for the Arsenal boss – and for the supporters whose patience with the Frenchman is wearing thin. (Always end by looking forward. Remember, unlike the past, the future hasn’t happened yet, so is the journalist’s best friend).

The FootballJOE quiz: Were you paying attention? – episode 10