Ever see that film, Moneyball?
A room full of old-fashioned scouts desperately lobbying against stats and facts. They’re still analysing what looks good, they’re still going with their gut instincts and they’d still rather get a feel for things instead of giving any credence to the data.
They’d write someone off because he doesn’t have the right look or, in Hollywood’s case anyway, because he has an ugly girlfriend.
And there’s no reasoning or logic for it. Just that they have experience and they know what works. Don’t ask questions.
The same boys probably wouldn’t give Thomas Muller a second glance. He’s gangly. He smiles. He isn’t the fastest player in the world, he certainly isn’t the strongest man around and not one of his skills could be described as the best.
But he does what he’s supposed to.
It’s probably fair to say that Thomas Muller is the best worst player of all time.
No-one really knows why he is good. They don’t know why he keeps scoring or why he’s constantly topping assists charts and they have no idea how he keeps it up.
But he does.
He’s like an elongated version of Harry Kane on steroids. The Spurs striker last year was scoring goals for fun – for no particular reason or explanation that you could point to – and you always knew that it would end at some stage.
When Aguero scores, you know why. Because he’s f**king brilliant.
When Messi and Ronaldo score, you know why. When Harry Kane kept scoring, all you knew was that the law of averages was eventually going to come back and bite him in the arse.
Thomas Muller though is a freak of nature. It doesn’t catch up with him and he’s seemingly impervious to the restraints of nature. He defies science. Logic. And he has kept it up thus far throughout a ridiculous career.
The man himself even addressed the issue at one stage when he described his position – another unclear grey area of Muller’s – with one brilliant phrase. He called himself the ‘Raumdeuter’. A space investigator. He isn’t confined to a position just like he isn’t to logic. Instead, he explores the space around him and capitalises on his opponents’ inability to do the same as effectively.
And, at 26, he is only getting better at that.
I get it: Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo will go down as two of the greatest ever players of all time. And rightly so. And, yes, they are the two best players on the planet at present.
But it’s painful in an era when people like Gareth Bale and Wayne Rooney were once thrown in with that elite pair to comprise a forced threesome, that it hasn’t even crossed anyone’s mind to do the same with Muller.
If Messi is the most gracefully skillful player on the planet and Ronaldo the most frighteningly direct attacker, then surely the Raumdeuter is the most effectively deceptive silent killer in this world. His passing stats mightn’t bowl you over, he might not have many freestyle tricks up his sleeve and he’s probably not even in the top 10 finishers around. But there’s some madness in the concept that Thomas Muller is just damn good at everything – without being too good anything. And he’s especially good at the things that you don’t see.
He is an omni-hazard that you couldn’t write a specific warning sign for because you don’t know why it’s dangerous. Just stay clear.
And the numbers back up what you don’t already know.
In his last three seasons at Bayern, Muller has hit over a combined total of 30 goals and assists for his club.
The club that don’t even have a position designated for him. He does that consistently from up front, from the wing, from midfield. He does it as the Raumdeuter.
When Messi and Ronaldo are incredulously written off in certain corners of the globe for their constant failure to light up a World Cup, Thomas Muller has starred in two already. He’s won the Golden Boot in one of them at the age of just 20 and he won the whole thing with Germany at the other. He is one of just three players ever – alongside Ronaldo of Brazil and Gerd Muller no less – to hit the five goal mark in two different World Cup campaigns and he still has another one to come when he should be coming to his prime.
And he performs unwaveringly from any position, in any system, under any manager.
He flourishes under Pep Guardiola’s beautiful art, in Joachim Low’s quick-ball pragmatism and even in the more methodical, positionally disciplined demands of Louis van Gaal.
He does it and he stars.
This season, eight games for Bayern have passed with Muller hitting Ronaldo and Messi heights of eight goals so far.
In his last 27 games for Germany, he’s bagged 20 goals.
Last month, the man turned 26.
26.
And never – not once – has anyone even thought about mentioning him in the same breath as Cristiano or Leo.
It’s getting to that time now. Because his talent, his effect is no fluke. He is one of the finest footballers around and he should be considered by Ronaldo and Messi standards.
He is right up there with them.
But don’t ask me why.
