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If history repeats itself again this year, we’ll all be captivated by the weird and wonderful happenings of Transfer Deadline Day, whether we want to or not.
The Biebers and the Kardashians best get comfortable in their back seats because this is Jim White’s bi-annual time to shine. For a few brief hours, the Scot will be the internet’s biggest celebrity.
Why? Partly because he gives the fans what they want. All the big hits, no album tracks or b-sides.
https://twitter.com/_joshuajones/status/694072588021161984
You can guarantee he’ll lap it all up like a dehydrated cat in a dairy isle.
Numbers fetishist Dharmesh Sheth will break the stasis of the cold and dreary digit show with some trash talk so awful it would make a junior infant squash their carton of Ribena in embarrassment.
https://twitter.com/Sporf/status/506450237167509504
Manchester United fans will ultimately be disappointed with their lack of offloading flops as opposed to who the club actually brings in.
https://twitter.com/feereijangbon/status/816024642741817344
Unless they manage to snap up a ludicrously expensive Frenchman.
Arsenal fans can take this one off. Wenger won’t buy anyone.
Arsene Wenger when asked about a January move for Dimitri Payet: "I rate Payet but I don’t need Payet." pic.twitter.com/IHI0EZKv6h
— Squawka Live (@Squawka_Live) January 19, 2017
Or at least anyone you’ve ever heard of before.
From @Hednesford_Town to Arsenal – it's been some start to the year for @cbramall96 pic.twitter.com/T9ssFMEfAM
— Arsenal (@Arsenal) January 10, 2017
Professional troll Piers Morgan will react to the lack of activity in typically negative fashion.
We could have hired Klopp, Guardiola, Conte or Mourinho last summer.
But no, #Arsenal fans knew best.#WengerForever— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) January 3, 2017
There will be at least one ridiculous transfer rumour that will either gather serious momentum or die a quick and painless death.
Neymar will be giving Watford the specs for his new kit or Dele Alli will be finalising his contract at the Bernabeu, but of course, these outlandish rumours will turn out to be just the work of fantasy.
https://twitter.com/Dierbetes/status/823580525126361088
In order to justify the Minority Report-inspired touch-screen technology, the director will cut to that blindingly-yellow monitor more frequently than Guillem Balague shoots down an insane La Liga transfer that no one really believed was ever going to happen anyway.
Someone will make a Peter Odemwingie joke.
Time to revive my favourite #DeadlineDay joke – knock knock. Who's there? Peter Odemwingie
— Tony Lynch (@tl127) August 31, 2016
Someone else will hate it.
Blocking anyone that can't come up with anything better to tweet that an Odemwingie joke. #TransferDeadline
— Sallyann (@Sal_Wba) August 31, 2016
Although it’s extremely unlikely to happen, everyone will be praying for Harry Redknapp to wheel in and roll down the window for a chat.
Ah memories.
Likewise, a little part of every viewer will be secretly hoping someone gets a dildo in the ear.
And just when you think it’s all over…
…the circus show will keep on truckin’. They’ll plead with you to “stay with us” while the ‘i’s get dotted and the viewers get cross going bleary-eyed waiting for the disappointing pay-off of Hull City signing their new reserve goalkeeper ‘just in the nick of time.’
When the dust has settled, Dharmesh will be back again for the final tally. Despite extensively covering every possible deal in-depth for the past number of weeks, everyone in the studio will be inexplicably shocked at how massive the final number is.
And it will all happen again in about half a year’s time.
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