The general consensus after Jonny Evans and Papiss Cisse appeared to spit at each other on Wednesday night is that this ‘is the worst thing that can happen on a football pitch’ or, as Robbie Savage put it, ‘the lowest of the low’.
This was news to us, but we set about compiling a top 10 worst things that can happen on a football pitch all the same …
⇑No.1 [new entry] – Spitting
“We talk about bad tackles, but that’s worse. It’s disgusting.” Not our words Carol, but the words of Steve McManaman after Jonny Evans and Papiss Cisse exchanged spittle at St James’ Park last night.
We would have assumed that a little bit of mouth fluid coming your way, however disrespectful the intent, is not as bad as, say, a tackle that may bring an end to the career you’ve worked tirelessly towards every single day of your life since you were able to propel yourself forward on two legs, but hey, what do we know? We’ve never played the game at the highest level.
Solution: A senior pro needs to take someone aside, put an arm around their shoulder and tell them that these things aren’t part of the English game.
⇔ No.2 – Swapping shirts at half time
Here’s what Phil Thompson had to say when Mario Balotelli swapped shirts with Pepe as he left the field at half-time of Liverpool’s trouncing by Real Madrid at Anfield: “I think it’s disgraceful. I think it’s disrespectful to both players. If you’re swapping them, what’s the other guy thinking about? You’re giving away your shirt at half time, what is in his mind?”
This is clearly a foreign blight on the game, an import to the Premier League alongside other scourges such as eating well, looking after yourself properly and not drinking before, during and/or after matches.
Solution: A senior pro needs to take someone aside, put an arm around their shoulder and tell them that these things aren’t part of the English game.
⇑ No. 3 – Not applauding the travelling fans
They’ve spent their money travelling by bus, train or plane. Many have been drinking since dawn. So the least the player can do after phoning in a performance in a 4-0 away shellacking is to face the people who have spent the last 90 minutes calling him a ‘lazy c***’ and, from the safety of the centre circle, raise his arms above his and bring his hands together in a clapping motion for a minimum of three seconds. This is the least the angry mob wants (and deserve). Failure to do so shows a total lack of appreciation of the empty gestures upon which so much of the game is built.
Solution: A senior pro needs to take someone aside, put an arm around their shoulder and tell them that these things aren’t part of the English game.
⇓ No. 4 – Biting
A terrible example for children watching the game while at the same time being a child-like act. Will lead journalists to write things like ‘a propensity for deceit seems ingrained in Suarez’s DNA. He’s toxic.’
Solution: A senior pro needs to take someone aside, put an arm around their shoulder and tell them that these things aren’t part of the English game.
⇔ No. 5 – Racism
Clearly very, very bad, but also generally quite complicated and filled with lawyers, counter-accusations and FA disciplinary hearings. This makes the knee-jerk response from the ex-pro much more difficult. In reality this is about as low as you can go in life, but then football divorced itself from reality some time around 1982.
Solution: A senior pro needs to take someone aside, put an arm around their shoulder and tell them that these things aren’t part of the English game.
⇑No. 6 – Diving
Disgraceful. Out-of-order. Not in keeping with the values of the English game. Unless of course, it’s an English player who has done the diving in which case he has ‘anticipated the challenge which hasn’t quite come.’ Someone needs to do something.
Solution: A senior pro needs to take someone aside, put an arm around their shoulder and tell them that these things aren’t part of the English game.
⇑No. 7 – Not shaking hands at full time
Sometimes known as ‘handshake-gate’. The highest managerial crime of all (with an honourable mention for head-butting and/or strangling an opposing player on the touchline). Not to be confused with the managerial handshake that takes place before the final whistle, which is also bad but at least hands have been shaken so no real crime has been committed.
Solution: A senior pro needs to take someone aside, put an arm around their shoulder and tell them that these things aren’t part of the English game.
⇓No. 8 – Leg-breaking challenge
A low position in the top 10 as the leg-breaking tackle is a tackle almost exclusively committed by players who ‘aren’t that type of player’. It’s hard to stay angry with those guys.
Solution: A senior pro needs to take someone aside, put an arm around their shoulder and tell them that these things aren’t part of the English game.
⇔ No.9 – Elbow/Punch to the face
When Manchester City’s Ben Thatcher left Portsmouth’s Pedro Mendes unconscious on the side of the pitch after an elbow delivered with equal measure accuracy and power his manager Stuart Pearce said: ‘I know Ben Thatcher and off the field he is genuinely a good lad. Get inside the soul of the man, any bravado is washed away and you see just a family man who’s very protective of his wife and children.’ This raised the game as far as excuses go. Did we now need to look inside the soul of ever player who committed a misdemeanour or merely just those dishing about potentially concussive blows with their elbow? It’s hard to know.
Solution: Just get on with it.
⇔No.10 – Winking
No place in the game for this. Not sure why, but get rid of it.
Solution: A senior pro needs to take someone aside, put an arm around their shoulder and tell them that these things aren’t part of the English game.
