The Premier League is back, and with it comes the endless haze of football clichés we’ve all come to know and tolerate
Managers and players are quicker than ever to answer the simplest of questions with platitudes and non-answers while punditry standards have, with some notable exceptions, never been lower.
So, how do you pick through the fog of ‘we gave it 110 per cent’ to know what we are actually being told?
Presenting the SportsJOE Football Translator…
Transfer talk
Undisclosed fee
When an agreed transfer fee is likely to lead to ridicule for either side, the deal is announced as being for an undisclosed fee. Of course, media outlets will usually pronounce the deal is ‘believed to be’ for a given amount, unless not even they care how much the player cost.
Settling-in period
The time when a disappointing new signing is forgiven for mostly tripping over his own bootlaces, usually just a few weeks, but can extend to months or in very rare cases even years, depending size of transfer fee.
Sky Sports are hearing…
Sky Sports just read a press release or tweet from an official club account.
BBC Sport understands…
Someone at the BBC ‘understands’ an article they’ve read on another website
Chelsea’s youthful new arrival
Vitesse Arnhem’s new arrival
I don’t want to talk about my future right now
I don’t want to talk about my future until I get the right offer
Is being linked with
We’ve just decided to link him with
Has repeatedly been linked with
Someone else picked up on our initial linkage
The new Messi
Player who is short and dribbles a lot. Any decent footballer under the age of 17 qualifies, as does every newborn yet to have full control of their saliva ducts.
I’ve heard great things about the manager
I’ve heard the manager is going to pick me
The fans here have been great to me
Please don’t boo me when I’m back sitting on the opposition bench next year
I’m not leaving. I’m staying at the football club and I can’t wait for the start of the season and captaining this great football club.
Give me a week (The Fabian Delph special)
On the field
Cultured left foot
All fully functioning left feet are cultured and are almost as a good as a working right foot
Luxury player
He’s the best player on the team but I have to at least TRY and motivate him to work half as hard as everybody else.
Mercurial
Lazy as f***
There is contact
Usually said by a striker trying to back up a controversial penalty decision, often followed by He had every right to down
I’ve seen them given
It wasn’t a penalty, but we need something to talk about at half-time
We’ve all seen them given
I don’t really believe this but now you’re all in on the conspiracy
Great engine
Runs a lot. Players who are still covering a lot of ground late in the game are said to have a great engine, yet are never tested for any mechanical aids.
Just watch what he does here
I don’t have the analytical ability, or else just can’t be arsed, to describe this passage of play
Great advert for the game
Every other game this month has been utter dross, so we’re going to damn sure to ram highlights of this one down your throat
Offside
Inactive, active, in line with… ah, sure nobody really knows what offside is any more.
Off the field
Too good to go down
A team that most certainly isn’t, but probably has one too many mercurial, luxury players that you are used to associating with teams who are actually good.
Still a big club
Used to be a big club. See also Sleeping giant.
Super Sunday
Sunday
