FIFA reportedly put up £17 million to finance a Hollywood adaption of Sepp Blatter’s rise to power… but after seeing how it performed at the US box office, they would probably have been better off putting the money towards a few more ‘loans’ instead.
The film made just over €500 in ten cinemas across America last weekend, with United Passions obviously suffering from the tsunami of negative publicity surrounding FIFA after last week’s arrests and the resignation of Blatter.
Just to give you an inkling of the sludge that was United Passions, here is Tim Roth eating up the scenery as the Swiss football administrator.
While this bit of propaganda has been slated as one of the worst films ever made, the eventual FIFA movie that covers the scandal, will probably be pretty good. We decided to give Hollywood a head-start by casting Brown Envelopes, with some of Hollywood’s biggest actors.
Sepp Blatter (Anthony Hopkins)
Hopkins’ ability to play creepy, evil characters who successfully avoid detection for many years (anybody seen Fracture?) makes him perfect for role of Blatter. Hopkins has nailed tricky accents in the past and if a bit of Hannibal Lecter creeps in, so be it.
This will be his Oscar moment.
Jack Warner – Samuel L Jackson
Jack Warner is a bit older than Jackson but as the veteran thespian showed in Django Unchained, playing older characters brings out the best in him. He was brilliant in that movie and seeing Jackson reenact Warner clutching a copy of The Onion newspaper as proof of his innocence would be as hilarious as any scene he has ever played.
Chuck Blazer (John Goodman)
Goodman showed in Argo that he can mix comedy and drama, and if you’ve read any of the transcript from Blazer’s deposition where he admits to taking bribes, then you’ll know that Brown Envelopes will have plenty of room for laughs.
Michel Platini – Jean Reno
Reno was exceptional in Leon, but was mainly chosen here because he and Platini are both French. We might need to hold an open casting call to nail down this role.
Special Agent Chip Baker – Chris Pine
Chip Baker is a composite character of all the clean-cut, all-American do-gooders who put together the case against FIFA. You need a standard Hollywood leading man to play the by-the-book agent who knows absolutely nothing about football and refuses to ‘play ball’ when he’s offered a massive ‘loan’ to drop the investigation.
John Delaney – Cillian Murphy
All Murphy needs is a bit of dye in his hair and he will BE John Delaney. This could really be the role of a lifetime for Murphy. If he leans on the comedic timing he showed back in Intermission, then he should be in the reckoning for an IFTA at the very least.
Who would you like to see in Brown Envelopes?
