1. The one who’s never happy
If no-one is scoring in training, it’s sh*t attacking. If people are scoring in training, it’s sh*t defending.
2. The money-grabbing so and so from another parish
Well worth the money in year one. Nothing but a robbing such and such by the end of year two.
3. The ‘back in my day’ manager
Back in your day you weren’t managing a team so shut up and do something about us now.
4. The manager harping on about fitness
“You know yourselves what the problem is, lads. We aren’t fit enough.” Fitness and commitment – the solution to all your problems.
5. The ‘I don’t care who you are, if you don’t train you won’t play’ manager
Sure.
6. The manager who spends more time calculating how far his team has run in every session
Sprints to actual specific sports skills ratio: 15:1.
7. The guy who manages the under-12s like they’re the New Zealand rugby team
They will eat right – they’ll probably bring their own catering to games. They’ll get their bodies in condition, they’ll sleep right, sign a contract, kit out and they definitely will not do anything else with their lives or play for any other team.
Especially not the bloody under-14s.
8. The manager taking five different teams
Also coaches at school and acts as water boy for the minors.
9. The man who only manages his son’s teams
Just a coincidence.
10. The manager who just can’t admit that he’s made a blatant mistake
“I forgot the footballs for a reason.”
11. The parent who never played
But he can see that it’s easy so just bloody do as he says. And do it good. Just score, would ye?
12. The ultimatum manager
“Boys, I don’t need to be here. I can leave. If you don’t like it, you can go and find yourselves a new coach.”
*suggestive looks around the huddle*
13. The manager who wears a gilet
Usually young enough, usually equipped with 9,000 of those pretentious big cones to cover the pitch before the session. Usually implementing some tactic he has seen on TV.
14. The manager who watches an underage game on his own, from behind the goals
Probably has a hat on as well to disguise himself. He understands the game better, he appreciates it more. He sees things that we don’t. He doesn’t want to be disturbed when he’s studying.
15. The stats guy
Takes a mountain of stats, everything you can think of, reads them to you… does nothing about it. It’s just so you know.
16. The manager who thinks everyone is against them
Media, referees, county boards. Everyone can f**k off.
17. The manager who can’t do it for you
“I can’t do it for you, boys.”
18. The manager who smokes on the sideline
Brings a ball to training, scowls the odd time but hands most of the responsibilities to the 15-year-old captain. Most of this is just a waste of his time. No-one knows why he keeps doing it every year.
19. The manager who actively encourages violence
If he’s shouting, it’s usually at one of his own players for not doing as their told and ‘hit that man a slap.’ Will be seen waving his subs bench onto the field for a mass brawl and complaining afterwards that the team are too soft.
20. The stop-watch manager
Everything is timed to perfection, everything is run like clockwork. The stopwatch is consulted for every activity. Probably splits the game into timed segments. Probably wears a gilet, too.
21. The manager who runs after the ball up the sideline
Guilty of getting carried away with himself, trying to control every aspect of the play. Might even trip an opponent if one his players don’t listen to his screams to pick him up.
22. The ‘cute’ manager
Loves the bogus numbers on the back of jerseys. Thinks that giving a forward number 4 will bamboozle the opponents. Partial to a late change and feeding the media spiel about injuries and bad form.
23. The ear piece manager
Really?
24. The manager who brings himself on
Probably a blow-in who had hung the boots up but can’t sit back any longer so he has rushed through a last-minute transfer and is ready to unleash himself in the forward line. He’s a defender.
25. The manager who makes a balls of explaining the drill so just roars instead
“You go there and back there and you run to that cone and through those gates and you go the other way but only half of it on the way back and you do that four times before moving over there. How hard can it be, for f**k sake?”
26. The manager with more selectors than players
Makes for the worst, most drawn-out team talks of all time.
27. The manager who still doesn’t know his players’ names
Will likely ask what position you play when organising an in-house game.
28. The texting manager
Giving this manager your number was the worst decision ever. Your inbox is now flooded with motivational messages, 19 training reminders, eat right persuasions, stay out of the sun warnings and general whinges about a bad training session, players not showing up or a poor result that will probably be put down to fitness. And commitment.
