The world’s 100 most valuable players were named earlier and there was not an Irishman in sight.
Not so long ago the CIES Football Observatory list would have surely featured Roy Keane and maybe even a young Robbie Keane, go back further and you would’ve had room for Paul McGrath, Liam Brady and Johnny Giles too.
Like the banks, property and the national credit rating, our footballers have become devalued lately. But that is not to say they are without value.
The Republic of Ireland squad for Euro 2016 has been named #COYBIG pic.twitter.com/1FZ85Ztvct
— SportsJOE (@SportsJOEdotie) May 31, 2016
It was only Tuesday night, in the wake of a brave 2-1 defeat to the world’s 77th best team, that Martin O’Neill named his 23-man squad for Euro 2016.
Seeing as the football observatory couldn’t see fit to put a price on Richard Keogh, Shane Long and Stephen Quinn, it is left to ourselves to rank Ireland’s European Championship squad in terms of what they’re worth.
1. Jon Walters ($105m)
If Kim Kardashian can earn $52.5 in a year then Walters can earn twice that. He is three years younger, has an actual job at Stoke City and boasts a far more impressive arse.
2. Wes Hoolahan (200ml of Eamon Dunphy’s tears)
Ireland’s schemer-in-chief may not be getting his game at Norwich anymore but as a genuine cause de celebre, one who has caused more Dunphy strops than any player since Liam Brady, he has a uniquely Irish value. One that you can’t put a price on, but if you were pushed, it would be twice the market value of Lillie’s Bordello. Or the cumulative value of all Linda Martin’s record deals.
3. Shane Long (Two Liam McCarthys, mimimum)
He played minor hurling for Tipperary. Had he stuck at it and struck up an understanding with Lar Corbett and Eoin Kelly, his speed would have made the Munster men near unbeatable. The guitar-accompanied captain’s speeches alone would have been priceless.
4. Seamus Coleman (€63m super trawler)
The man from Killybegs was nearly the one that got away. Now, thanks to his improving positional sense and Premier League experience he is at least as valuable as ‘Atlantic Dawn’ – the world’s largest fishing trawler (which is now called ‘Annelies Ilena’).
5. John O’Shea (Daley Blind, Chris Smalling and Phil Jones sellotaped together)
Have Manchester United ever found a utility man to replace the Waterford legend? No. Case closed.
6. Robbie Keane (House from ‘The Big Lebowski’)
Valued at $40m the Goldstein House (home of porn magnate Jackie Treehorn in the classic movie) was recently gifted to the people of Los Angeles due to its cultural importance and importance to the Californian city. Sounds a lot like a certain Tallaght man.
7. Glenn Whelan (Four miles of newsprint and 18 barrels of ink)
Has any man ever been the subject of so much debate and conjecture. Rupert Murdoch has him on speed dial. Fact.
8. James McCarthy (Undisclosed, dependent on Roberto Martinez’s next job)
He doesn’t say much, the Scottish native, but his actions speak louder than words. When he is fit he is one of our best players. Will be signed by his former Wigan and Everton manager when he gets back to neglecting a team’s defence for money. If it is Barcelona, it could be €70m. If it is Crewe, maybe £700k.
9. Shay Given (22 years worth of gravy)
The Donegal netminder has been in the employ of Premier League clubs for 22 years. He could buy and sell us all. He doesn’t need our ranking. He knows his value and it is €€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€.
10. The other 14 combined (One David Alaba)
Flat-out tremendous own goal from David Alaba against Malta https://t.co/BJPwnBRDKj
— James Dart (@James_Dart) June 1, 2016
The Bayern Munich and Austria man was valued at €50m before that glorious own goal against Malta. We reckon the other 14 members of Ireland’s squad must be worth at least that combined.
That said, win the Euros and every one of them will be worth €50m each, what with the Supermacs endorsements, after-dinner speeches and newspaper columns.
