What a ballot paper this would be
Irish people love an election and, even more than that, we bloody love to win one in any way possible. If we can mobilise over a million people to try and get Stephanie Roche’s wondergoal voted as nearly the best strike of 2014, imagine what we could do if we had free rein in selecting the next FIFA president?
One thing is for certain, we’d have a higher calibre of candidate than David ‘all show, no go’ Ginola, that’s for sure.
Ireland would put forward a candidate of substance, of steel and someone not afraid to put in a crunching two-footed challenge on Sepp Blatter and the boys in Zurich.
We’ve produced several interesting political ‘characters’ over the last number of years and we think that we have found five men that all could do more than a job as the head of the world football family:
The aggressive ‘take no shit’ politician-Roy Keane
There could be only one man who would sort out FIFA once and for all. Can you imagine if a journalist tried to question his ‘Royness’ over a decision to host a World Cup in Qatar in the middle of the summer? It would be one quick death stare and the willful scribe would be reduced to dust before our very eyes.
If Roy came knocking at your door, looking for a vote, you’d probably holler from your barricaded bedroom that it wasn’t you that leaked those nasty Aston Villa rumours. Draws for any kind of championship on telly would never be the same again if Roy became the supreme leader of world football.
The candidate that every mammy loves- Niall Quinn
Niall’s theme song for any presidential bid should be ‘Heal the World’ by Michael Jackson as he brings his promise to hug every single football fan on the planet to a global audience. The former Sunderland chairman and Ireland football legend is basically the Daniel O’Donnell/Eoin McLove of the football world and is probably too damn nice for the role of FIFA President.
But if you need a man to clean up world football then Quinny, along with some of that washing powder his wife probably still has lying around at home, could be the man to do it. There would be no chance we’d see any dirty tricks from this election hopeful,and that’s probably why he wouldn’t win either.
The ‘fill your potholes’ candidate-Stephen Hunt
Waterford’s finest is an industrious man on the pitch and we think his never-say-die attitude and endless work ethic would transfer well to FIFA. If you went to this guy with a problem with your local club, he’d put the strength of world football into making sure no more balls go into the field behind the goal with the angry cattle in them. Hunt fixes problems and like a one-man A-Team – If you’ve got a problem,no matter how big or small, he’ll fix it for you.
He could, of course, call on the knowledge of fellow Waterford man John Delaney for some much needed advice and counsel as well. If he ever wants a holiday his brother, Noel, could easily step in and no-one would hardly notice. A translator may be an option due to the accent however.
The International Statesman candidate Robbie Keane
FIFA is the global authority for football, and if you want to be the head honcho then you have to have global appeal. In one Robbie Keane that’s exactly what you’d get. Just think of all the world figures he could get for his election video-David Beckham to Kobe Bryant, even the bloody Terminator for God’s sake.
If you need an Irishman who’s done a bit of travelling and is able to use that old Dublin charm to woo votes, then the other Keane is your only man. Having two R.K’s on the ballot would also cause mad confusion and would see a tribunal of inquiry launched with FIFA neatly brushing the results under the carpet or destroying the report.
The failed politician candidate Andy Townsend
Some people just don’t know when to quit and put their names forward for everything and anything that comes their way. The FIFA presidency could be the only thing that prevents Andy from turning up on QVC telling ‘Italia 90’ stories for the rest of his life while flogging some book. Andy’s un(der)employed after the loss of his job with ITV and not only would you get a FIFA president but a free tactics truck as well. ‘Triffic.
