House of Cards might be revered for its gripping plot lines and stellar dialogue, but it is also a handy guide on how to achieve Fantasy Premier League domination
(Warning: the last line contains a massive spoiler from season 2)
Mendacious megalomaniac Frank Underwood is far from the model moral compass that the masses should follow. However, in a lot of ways, his path to power can serve as a road map to Fantasy Football success.
Here are 14 quotes from the fictional politician that every Fantasy Premier League manager could use to propel themselves to the dizzying heights of winning their private league.
Building your squad
1. “The road to power is paved with hypocrisy.”
Don’t be too proud to admit when you’re wrong. You might have thought that Nacer Chadli moves around the pitch a bit like a portly waiter at the start of the season. However, when he went on that run of form, you can’t let pride get in the way of you milking that teat until the points have dried up. Even if it means enduring a slagging for starting a player who you’ve previously written off as a useless sod.
2. “Even Achilles was only as strong as his heel.”
You’ve got a lethal strikeforce, a balanced midfield and an iron-tight defence. That’s great, but what about the subs’ bench?
What about that defender you bought that will never, ever feature in your starting line-up? The cheapest player in the game, Lubomir Satka of Newcastle or Stoke’s Andy Wilkinson? You bought this player to free up transfer funds for the marquee names but if disaster strikes, you better be prepared for them to come in and earn you a big fat zero.
Having a bench with players who never score points is all well and good until Aguero and Costa get injured and you’re left with Shola Ameobi leading the line.
3. “I’m not going to lie, I despise children. There, I’ve said it.”
Be wary of the wonderkid label. Very few players in England under the age of 21 are earning big points for Fantasy teams. You might like Jack Grealish or Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain as a player but that doesn’t mean they’re going to bag you points.
For every Raheem Sterling or Harry Kane you’ve got a Kurt Zouma or Luke Shaw who are just that little bit further away from establishing themselves as a go-to Fantasy player.
4. “I never make such big decisions so long after sunset and so far from dawn.”
Don’t rush making transfers or setting your line-up. If you’re having doubts about whether or not it’s worth bringing in West Brom’s third-choice centre-back instead of John Terry for a week or two, sleep on it and decide before the 11:30am deadline on Saturday.
Climbing the table
5. “That’s how you devour a whale … one bite at a time.”
No lead is unassailable. If you find your Rapid Viagra side languishing 100+ points behind league leaders AC A Little Silhouette of Milan, you can slowly close the gap, but it won’t happen fast. Take it one week at a time.
Playing the competition
6. “For those of us climbing to the top of the food chain, there can be no mercy. There is but one rule: hunt or be hunted.”
Be ruthless. Even if it means resorting to dirty tactics.
For example, you can try to influence your opponents by throwing phrases into conversations such as “Oh, I hear Sanchez has scurvy this week” or “Yaya Sanogo has successfully spliced his genes with Dennis Bergkamp’s and he’s now a world-beater’.
7. “There’s a value in having secrets. We wouldn’t be ourselves without them. After all, we are nothing more or less than what we choose to reveal.”
If you’ve discovered a hidden gem, for God’s sake don’t tell anyone. If you’ve noticed some strange stat that will work in your favour, like if Carlton Cole always scores against Manchester City if the game falls on the same week that the secretary general of the UN was on the cover of Rolling Stone wearing a funny hat, then make sure to keep it under wraps.
Dealing with defeat
8. “There are two kinds of pain. The sort of pain that makes you strong, or useless pain. The sort of pain that’s only suffering. I have no patience for useless things.”
So your captain missed four penalties, kung-fu kicked the referee and relieved himself on the corner flag as he left the pitch… big whoop! There’s always next week. It was your own fault for making Charlie Sheen your captain anyway.
And always remember…
9. “The higher up the mountain, the more treacherous the path.”
Just because you’ve reached the tippy-top of your league, it doesn’t mean you’ve made it. You’ll be constantly watched by the vultures who are choking on your dust, who are just waiting for you to make a mistake so they can capitalise.
If you feel one of your opponents getting a little bit too close to overtaking you at the top of the table, follow Underwood’s lead and…
SPOILER! SPOILER! SPOILER! SEASON 2!
…push them in front of an oncoming train.
