The human brain is a spectacular thing.
Signals inside the human brain travel at speeds of more than 430 kilometres per hour.
A cup falls, we move to catch it. We slip, our arms stretch out to break our fall – these decisions are being made for us instinctively. We are guided by our subconscious brain throughout every day.
Some people’s instincts are different to others though. Some people have shithouse instinctive brains that lead them to act in ways that seem bizarre or offensive to the rest of us. Take Luis Suarez, for example.
We have seen evidence throughout Suarez’s career and life. His biting, his continuous battle against the forces of gravity, his insistence on appealing every single tiny refereeing decision – he is a parody of himself, the archetypal shithouse. And Monday night provided the clearest confirmation.
During a Copa America match against Chile, we were treated to the greatest evidence of how Suarez’s mind truly works. We were treated to evidence that Suarez’s shithouse brain dominates his every thought process. His every action.
In the first moment, seen below, Suarez kicks the ball at the Chilean goalkeeper, who then uses his hands to make a save inside of the penalty box, knocking the ball out of play.
This is literally the only area of the pitch in which the goalkeeper can legally handle the ball – which Suarez surely knows – but his shithouse brain either doesn’t realise, or doesn’t care.
His instant reaction is to appeal for a penalty. His hand raises in the air to clasp his other, ‘LAS MANO’. He is sure. He is insistent. He is incredulous.
Then, a second or two later, his conscious brain finally kicks in. He realises. This cannot be handball. He is a goalkeeper. Let’s move on. Hopefully no one noticed.
Here's Luis Suárez appealing for a handball, and penalty because Chile's GK handled it in the box: pic.twitter.com/AWOA9o7ssz
— Adam Brandon (@AdamBrandon84) June 24, 2019
The second incident involves a pitch invader running across the pitch half an hour into the match. The pitch invader is running around, being chased by stewards when he is tripped by Chilean defender Gonzalo Jara.
Suarez again springs into action before his eyes have even had chance to process what has taken place. Instinctively he rushes towards the ref, waving an imaginary card to demand Jara is punished.
Only Luis Suarez would call for an opponent to be booked for tripping a pitch invader 🙃 https://t.co/SFdv5PNcgw
— FootballJOE (@FootballJOE) June 25, 2019
All of this basically confirms what we all knew already: that Luis Suarez’s shithouse brain works infinitely quicker than his rational brain. No matter the occurrence, Suarez’s natural reaction is to act like a shithouse.
Sure, there may only be milliseconds between his shithouse brain and his conscious brain kicking in, but in those milliseconds his teeth are gnashed, words are cursed, hands are waved, appeals are made. In those milliseconds, Suarez is the most persecuted man on the face of the earth.
Suarez is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but reversed. His brain’s resting state is one of delirium and anger, flailing arms; his internal monologue an eternal loop screaming ‘why me?’.
‘Shithouse’ is his default state. Once we understand this, everything else becomes clear.
