Two men, two gigantic egos, on separate missions to save sinking ships.
Louis van Gaal was coming to terms with his Dutch team’s elimination from the World Cup when his new side, Manchester United, set off on their pre-season tour of America.
A man with an impressive CV, a promising football career in his youth and someone with a reputation as an egotist who could rub people up the wrong way. LVG was inheriting a side that were out of the Champions League, had lost three-quarters of its defence, had quickly become a laughing stock and who were struggling to attract world-class players.
Van Gaal joined up with the side for their tour and immediately went about implementing changes straight from the book of a man he has much in common with – Gordon Ramsay.
Kitchen Manchester United Nightmares: How-to guide
1. Make an early statement
Ramsay surveys the scene quickly, calls a quick meeting and lets rip.
On the pre-season tour, Van Gaal showed Wayne Rooney – scorer of more than 220 goals – how to shoot, raved about Jesse Lingard’s potential and labelled 19-year-old Luke Shaw as ‘not fit’.
2. Drop some hard-truth bombshells
Ramsay is rarely happy with what he sees. This is the inevitable scene of him lambasting the service or spitting food out. If he is really disgusted, Chef Ramsay will head into the kitchen to let rip. He then assembles the team and let’s them know how much trouble they are in.
While speaking of his honour at being the manager of England’s ‘greatest club’, the Dutchman spelled out just how far they had sunk in a season. He was aiming for the title, he insisted, but the word ‘fourth’ was mentioned eight times in the 18-minute briefing.
In this simple statement, there was a bell-ringer for the current squad and the powers that be:
Van Gaal. “In the first three or four weeks I want to see what the players can do under my philosophy. Then maybe I will buy others.” #mufc
— Manchester United (@ManUtd) July 17, 2014
3. Simplify the menu tactics
Ramsay gets back to basics – 99% of the time, all the time. This usually means cutting out the fancy crap and going with three starters, four mains and three desserts. If possible, go with local produce and let everybody in town know about it.
After a less than successful start, which Van Gaal explains away by ‘Judge me in three months’, he sets upon a tactical plan that revolves around jealously guarding possession of the ball. Wayne Rooney is deployed in midfield, while so-called flair players – Ander Herrera and Juan Mata – are benched. Antonio Valencia, Daley Blind and Marouane Fellaini sum up the worker bee mentality – not pretty but the defeats are staunched and points are picked up.
4. Team bonding
Ramsay loves to get the restaurant team out for a spot of paint-balling or go-karting. He uses these trips to spend quality time with individuals he feels are key to the team’s success.
Van Gaal kept his distance from the squad on many of their social nights out, but he did head along to Wings Chinese Restaurant with his coaching staff, including Ryan Giggs. As for the playing squad, Rooney was charged with organising a number of nights out for senior players, including concerts, birthday bashes and the inevitable Christmas party.
5. Success
Ramsay’s formula for success works out just about perfectly – apart from the odd wobble and intense, drum-beat soundtrack – and champagne is popped as all involved feel they have cracked it.
A six-game winning run that started with nervy victories over Sunderland and Newcastle, ended with four of the best games the club played all season. Everything clicked in the first half against Tottenham – United scored three in 34 minutes and looked supreme.
United fans went from ‘Are we back?’ to ‘We’re back!’ as Liverpool, Aston Villa and then Manchester City were swept aside. Louis hit up Wings to celebrate.
6. The false dawn
Ramsay often drops back in two or three weeks later. The restaurant has either gone to pot or casually slipped back to its old ways. A gentle, expletive filled steer from Ramsay occasionally rights wrongs. There are often unfortunate updates, such as the chef Ramsay favoured doing one or the keyboard-playing maître-d showing up in the corner with Barry Manilow warbles.
Manchester United followed up their six-game winning streak by losing their next three games. Michael Carrick – the midfield messiah – is ruled out for the season and a Champions League spot is in danger.
7. Identify and empower a previously under-appreciated talent
Ramsay plucks a rough diamond – one that no-one else believes in – and empowers him/her to believe they can take a leadership role to help save the restaurant.
8. Face the cameras, sum it up as a success then end with a curse, joke or a song
Gordon usually walks out of the restaurant in question, muttering ‘F**king hell’ to no-one in particular. Then, with his customary thumb points, he sums up the situation and expresses his firm belief that the ship has been steer back onto its proper course.
LVG walked out of his final home match of the season in equally reflective mood – having secured Champions League football for 2015/16. He claims that United can challenge for the title next season if they learn how to close out games.
He then departed the Old Trafford concourse with a song.
