This season’s Premier League Team of the Year was surprisingly lacking in controversy.
With the exception of Mesut Özil’s ommission, few had complaints about the selection. Even then, they probably shouldn’t have been complaining.
But we wanted to pay tribute to the real stars of the 2015/16 campaign. The Oates to Toby Alderweireld’s Hall. The Charles Boyle to David De Gea’s Jake Peralta. The Squeak Scolari to Mahrez and Vardy’s Coop and Remer.
Here is the alternative team of the year.
Goalkeeper – Mark Schwarzer
Mark Schwarzer began the 2014/15 season with Chelsea and ended the campaign as a Premier League winner despite playing a grand total of 0 games for the club (and leaving mid-season).
This year, as part of the Leicester squad on the verge of the title, the Australian has a chance to go back-to-back. Trophies-wise, that is. He hasn’t made back-to-back top flight appearances in more than a year.
Right-Back – Tony Hibbert
It takes a special player to bamboozle an opponent. It takes an even more special player to bamboozle himself.
Hibbert might not have played a Premier League minute since December 2014, due to a combination of injuries and being Tony Hibbert, but he’ll be missed when he hangs up his boots.
I love Tony Hibbert. Can't wait to have him back and dazzlin' fanshttps://t.co/F2Ib76JHHk
— James Tyler (still) (@JamesTylerESPN) April 19, 2016
Centre-Back – Sergio Ramos
The Spaniard has gone from strength to strength since leaving Real Madrid for Manchester United last summer, helping lead the Red Devils to their 14th Premier League title and earning manager Louis van Gaal a five-year contract extension.
What’s that? Oh, right.
Centre-Back – Papy Djilobodji
We can just imagine the conversation between Djilobodji and his agent.
“Papy, we’ve found a new club for you”
“Do I get to stay in Ligue 1?”
“No it’s better, you’re going to Chelsea.”
“Wow, that’s great. I’ve always wanted to play in the Champions League!”
“Yeah, about that…”
Left-Back – José Enrique
José Enrique has been at Liverpool since 2011. When he joined the club, his team-mates included Andy Carroll (now at West Ham), Craig Bellamy (long-retired), Charlie Adam (now a professional sweater model) and Doni (oh yeah, what happened to that guy?).
Somehow the Spaniard is still at the club, thanks to one of the few banter-based contracts which Premier League clubs are required to hand out once every five years. He’s looking all the better for it.
With my brother @KoloKolotoure28 . Love this man. Top person and top professional pic.twitter.com/gW5N0OFuuO
— José enrique (@Jesanchez3) April 5, 2016
Right Midfield – Keiron Dyer
Dyer may have retired from the game in 2013 (or in 2008, depending on your definition of retirement), but his performances on ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ give hope to all aspiring footballers.
No, not for his brilliant charity work (though we don’t want to play that down), but for his ability to get the better of ‘Dragon’s Den’ entrepreneur Duncan Bannatyne. Mathieu Flamini take note.
Central Midfield – Atom and Humber
Alexis Sánchez might not have done enough to make the cut, but his two dogs have been the stars of this (and quite frankly any) Premier League season.
Atom (named for Sánchez’s love of Radioactive Man’s catchphrase) and Humber (named in honour of Hull City’s run to the 2014 FA Cup final) are a staple of the Chilean’s Instagram account, endearing Arsenal to neutral fans in a way Arsène Wenger could only dream of.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2C0MPL_q0I
Left Wing – This Guy
Something something left wing. Something something redistribution of wealth. Something something net spend.
Striker – Zac Efron
We maintain that Jamie Vardy’s success this season has largely been down to the carrot of Efron playing him in a big-budget Hollywood movie based on his life.
Reports that Vardy thinks there’s a part in High School Musical 4 at stake are yet to be confirmed.
Striker – Nissin Noodles
People criticise Ed Woodward’s role in Manchester United’s season, but you’re ignoring the role the CEO played in securing the global noodle partner chased by clubs up and down the country (check this – Ed).
Through enriching mankind with the fun and joy that comes from food, United will keep doing their part for society and the world at large. Their fans might be hungry for trophies, but they’ll never be hungry for instant noodles.
