Here it comes: the hype, the excitement, the drama, the anti-climax.

We all love Deadline Day, really. Even if we pretend like we don’t, we do. Why else would it earn the right to have capitalised letters, for God’s sake?

This isn’t just your everyday deadline, this is Deadline Day. And here we go again.

8am – Trending topics

They tell you everything you need to know about what’s going on in the world when you wake up.

On Deadline Day, it’s just football.

And Game of Thrones and One Direction of course.

9am – ‘In The Know’ accounts gain traction

We don’t know how they know… but they know.

10am – Sky Sources are in overdrive

No-one’s going to steal their thunder.

Coincidence.

11am – The car window is here

Harry Redknapp arrives at the Birmingham training ground and reporters are falling over themselves fawning.

Gary Cotterill is of course at the front of the queue and he runs through the list of players he has written down even though Hazza told him there would be no business today.

Harry: “It’s going to be a quiet day, Gary, to be honest with ya. We’re just here to do a bit of training and I’ll get back to the house early and watch you lot on Sky.”

Gary: “You must have something up your sleeve, Harry?”

Harry: “Honestly, we won’t be doing much business today. The chairman might be working on a loan deal and there might be a few players leaving but we just don’t have the finances, Gary.”

Gary: “What about Adnan Januzaj?”

Harry: “He’s a top player.”

Gary: “Would you like to see him here?”

Harry: “Yeah, of course. I’d like to see Di Maria here too but it ain’t gonna happen.”

Gary: “Raheem Sterling?”

Harry: “Great player.”

Gary: “Demichelis?”

Harry: “You’ll have to ask the chairman.”

Gary: “What about rumours of Ben Davies coming on loan?”

Harry: “I haven’t heard those but, yeah, he’s a top player.”

Gary: “Anyone else, Harry?”

Harry: “No, like I say, I’d love to be doing something today – I’d love to be going for Gareth Bale or someone like that – but we’re just not in the position to.”

Well, that was pointless.

12pm – News from abroad

Bryan Swanson has wrangled another free holiday because he has it on good faith that Burnley are lining up a bid for Flamengo’s Argentine midfielder Federico Mancuello.

1pm – It’s all kicking off in the airports

West Brom could definitely do with another centre back.

2pm – The main story gathers momentum

But it’s quickly cleared up.

Not to everyone’s liking.

3pm – Charlie Nicholas has been dragged from bed

And all he has to say is the same thing everyone has been saying for 10 years.

Arsenal don’t have a spine, Arsenal don’t have leaders, Arsenal don’t have a plan B.

4pm – Arsene Wenger is happy with how things are going

5pm – The Totaliser is pumped

Dharmesh Sheth lives for days like these.

6pm – The agent population has increased 10-fold

7pm – The Liverpool Transfer Committee room is a hive of activity

Defender incoming.

8pm – Guillem Balague’s half hour slot

By the end of it, his La Liga sources have dispelled the myths that really needed dispelling.

• Lionel Messi is happy at Barcelona
• Cristiano Ronaldo to Liverpool is a non-runner
• Gareth Bale won’t be going anywhere unless Real Madrid are happy with the price, United are happy to pay that and his wages and Gareth Bale is happy to move and move to United.

That’s that sorted then.

9pm – Brendan Rodgers and Pep Guardiola are racing against one another

They know what they’re after. Total football.

10pm – Ricky Hatton is in studio

Now we can see just exactly what he thinks of Man City’s business. Hallelujah.

11pm – Bale to United won’t go away

11.30pm – He could’ve went to Arsenal…

11.45pm – Bale plays down rumours

12am – ‘In The Know’ sources disappear without a trace

The FootballJOE quiz: Were you paying attention? – episode 10