It’s going to be a huge year for Irish sport.
And, if Paul McShane shows the kind of form we know he can, if Alan Pardew gets the credit he thinks he deserves, and if Conor McGregor packs Croke Park, it will be entirely unforgettable. Joe Schmidt is calling for calm, Roy Keane is at it again and the GAA have finally sorted out their fixture problems in a 2015 that could just happen. But it probably won’t though.
January
Liverpool are still frantically scouring the transfer market for a striker since having a second, improved bid of £26 for West Brom’s Berahino turned down. After failing to capture the signing of Divock Origi, Brendan Rodgers has turned his attentions to Samed Yesil in a bid to prize the striker away from the Liverpool U21s. Conor McGregor makes history by becoming the first UFC fighter to talk his way to victory over Dennis Siver.
Stephanie Roche looks set to edge out Jimmy Rodriquez for the FIFA Puskas Award but, in a bizarre turn of events, Emile Heskey’s stunner on his return to football with Bolton tops the poll. Sepp Blatter is seen leaving the event clutching a thick envelope, shoving it into his blazer pocket but we’re assured that there will be a full and fair investigation into the matter.
——————————————
February
Paul McShane’s Hull nightmare looks to have ended with a number of big clubs lining up for his services in the last day of the transfer window. After starring in the FA Cup defeat to Arsenal, Wenger sees McShane as his defensive solution at the Emirates but the Irish legend opts to join Alan Pardew’s Crystal Palace revolution siting, “It was just a more exciting project.”
Ireland get their Six Nations campaign off to a “decent” start in Joe Schmidt’s assessment with respective thumpings of Italy and France. Schmidt dismisses the aftermath media flames as getting “over-excited” at their 12 tries in both games.
——————————————
March
Ireland beat Scotland by a “modest” 29 points to claim back-to-back Six Nations titles after five whitewashes but Schmidt insists that the country needs “huge improvements” to be competitive at the World Cup.
Martin O’Neill recalls the on-fire Paul McShane to his squad for the Poland game but, after watching the Wicklow star scoring and assisting amidst a 4-0 exhibition of total football at the Aviva, the Republic manager storms out of his post match press conference after Roy Keane’s new football boots top the agenda.
——————————————
April
All-Ireland club champions Slaughtneil are struggling to cope with the hectic GAA calendar. Their county players are back in training as Derry prepare for a third successive league final, the Ulster Colleges schedule has been pushed back owing to the club’s young representation, the hurling season is in full swing again for the dual champs and the Derry fixtures committee have asked clubs to complete their first eight league games in April to avoid congestion around championship time as part of a nationwide revamp. Dessie Farrell says the measurements put in place are “not extreme enough. The intercounty player needs protected.”
Rory McIlroy wins the Masters.
——————————————
May
Kilkenny native Davy Morris makes the Crucible final and beats Ronnie O’Sullivan in an epic decider balancing for 90 minutes in the final frame on four remaining balls. In the aftermath of the most watched televised programme of the year, the defeated Englishman claimed he thought the game was “boring” before announcing his retirement from the sport.
After guiding Palace to 17th and an FA Cup final with champions Arsenal, Alan Pardew has been named manager of the season. Paul McShane scores the winning goal at Wembley with a 30-yard Rabona but Pardew refuses to be interviewed afterwards. “It’s not about me,” he says.
——————————————
June
On the week the Republic of Ireland host England, Roy Keane is spotted buying a packet of crisps in his local Spar. The assistant manager whips the national media into a frenzy claiming he’s a “distraction”. Ireland beat England 2-1, all seats remain in tact and Roy Hodgson bemoans the loss of his key striker. “Daniel [Sturridge] should be available in two weeks’ time,” the England manager states. O’Neill’s charges are held by Scotland at the Aviva though in a crunch qualifying game – pictures emerge of Roy Keane sitting in his living room, the media are outraged.
Rory McIlroy wins the US Open.
——————————————
July
Conor McGregor welcomes Jose Aldo to Dublin atop 80,000 Irish shoulders at Croke Park. The build-up to the featherweight title fight is muted with McGregor respectfully saying, “I’m not going to talk about Aldo. I’m going to focus on my own game.” The Dubliner ends the contest in the first 10 seconds to lift the belt and Fields of Athenry is heard as far back as… Athenry.
Alan Pardew leaves Palace to take the still vacant Newcastle job and a new era for Geordies begins. One supporter exclaimed, “our giant club can believe again. Newcastle is way too big not be winning the league every year,” as Pardew sets about masterminding an 88-year bridge back to their last title.
Rory McIlroy wins The British Open.
——————————————
August
Paul McShane convinces Irish skipper Robbie Keane to realise a “boyhood dream” and join Palace with him as the south Londoners go in search of the Europa League title and a top four finish. Arsene Wenger finally steps down as Arsenal boss and joins the FA Cup champions to achieve his own boyhood dream and hook up with McShane. The new boss plays down expectations building at the club: “We’re looking at a six-year plan. If we can maintain our Premier League status in that time, then we can start maybe looking at success further down the line from there. We will see.”
Rory McIlroy wins the PGA Championship.
——————————————
September
Robbie Keane hits five away in Gibraltar but doesn’t make the squad for the visit of Georgia. Ireland tighten up and a late Jon Walters flick-on trickles over the line to deliver a 1-0 win at the Aviva. Paul McShane is lauded for setting up the assist when he rolled back for David Forde to punt downfield. Ireland also start their Rugby World Cup campaign in winning fashion so Eamon Dunphy and George Hook are understandably upset. The All-Ireland football final is pushed back from September 20 to October 4 owing to Tipperary’s involvement in both deciders but the hurling needs a fourth day out after Kilkenny tie with the Premier County for a third time.
——————————————
October
Germany park the bus at the Aviva, Sami Khedira is deployed in the forward line to keep an eye on John O’Shea and Ireland are coming unstuck. Joachim Löw doesn’t cater for Paul McShane though who is let off the leash far too often to devastating effect as he inspires a famous victory over the world champions. Roy Keane breaks the internet  when he looked to initially be pulling his coat on inside-out for a split second until he realised and stopped. Ireland need just a point to qualify for France in Poland but Keane isn’t happy at the decision to close up shop and ensure the point: “I’ve seen it all before. Midfielders are there to play ball.”
Meanwhile at Twickenham, Ireland annihilate England in the World Cup decider on Hallowe’en but Joe Schmidt isn’t happy with the performance after a three-point victory clinches a maiden global triumph: “We’ll never win the Six Nations playing like that.”
Paddy Barnes is raging hot favourite to lift a world boxing championship but, suffering from the shakes after a whole 11 months of no world titles, Katie Taylor applies to compete in the men’s competition in Qatar.
Tipperary finally win the hurling title but the football decider is delayed further owing to the backlog of National League fixtures still to complete.
——————————————
November
Roddy Collins takes over at UCD and completes 19 emergency loans ahead of their FAI Cup final with league champions Longford Town. Dublin beat Tipperary in an inevitably low-scoring All Ireland football final between two sides who just hate attacking, Jim Gavin’s side running out 0-6 to 0-4 winners. With the school programmes from last term finally wrapped up, clubs are told that there are no excuses not to complete their championship before the year’s end. Slaughtneil retain their Derry title but the All-Ireland champions are relegated to intermediate for next year after clinching a third successive hurling title the following day and being forced to field their minors in the relegation playoff played as the curtain raiser to the championship final.
——————————————
December
Four-times major winner, Rory McIlroy, heads to the BBC Sports Personality of the Year awards with his speech already written. He is pipped to the post by Alan Pardew. The club GAA calendar is riddled with concessions as darts participation rates take a huge upturn and beer is beginning to faze out of the sport in place of protein shakes. Clubs all over Ireland with outstanding fixtures agree to a reset and scrap 2015 altogether. Dessie Farrell says, “there have been major breakthroughs for the county player this year.”
