*Not a guarantee.
When the news broke that the Boys In Green were going to play their Good Friday friendly against Switzerland donning commemorative 1916 Rising jerseys, we got very excited.
This excitement turned into intrigue which quickly changed into hunger. After that feeling was somewhat dissipated with a very unsatisfactory egg salad sandwich – the inclusion of lettuce made it a gallimaufry of incompatible textures – our interest was piqued again. Why stop at the Rising? This commemorative jersey malarky might just take off.
We put on our thinking caps (we had to retrieve them from a nearby horse-chestnut as it had been flung up their by one of the bigger, meaner boys the prior week) and put together a list of 16 other historical Irish events or prominent Irish figures that we felt needed to be bestowed with the highest honour our little island has to offer – a commemorative national soccer team jersey tribute.
Johnny Logan Eurovision win
We know what you’re thinking, J-Lo has won the most prestigious music prizes in Europe three times. Each win was brilliant in its own unique way, so how on Earth could we possibly choose which one to immortalise in jersey form?
We opted to go for the first one in 1980, because it was the first one.
Fr Ted
It’s about time the second best Irish comedy TV show (the best is unquestionably Ear to the Ground) was paid a fitting tribute. It may not be practical to incorporate a heavy polyester-cotton tank top into sportswear, but if the finished product looks this good, we’re sure the players won’t mind risking mid-match heat syncope.
Pope John Paul II’s visit
“Young people of Ireland, I’ll love you even more if you buy this jersey.”
The advertising campaign practically writes itself.
SSIA Scheme Maturing
When our children’s children are trying to escape sandstorms and armed bandits while making their way to work at the coal mines in the not-so-distant Dystopian future, they’ll look at this jersey as a symbol of the good times they’ve only read about on their history kindles.
Pat Kenny
Some refer to him as the Muhammad Ali of Irish broadcasting. However, if you look at that comparison objectively, you realise it’s completely ridiculous.
If anything, Kenny’s the Jesus Christ of Irish media. Current affairs, political debate, election coverage – his range knows no bounds. Lest we forget, he is the proud owner of the single greatest Late Late Toy Show host entrance in the history of the programme – the year he arrived into the studio dressed as Darth Vader riding a horse.
Did it make sense? Absolutely not. Nor does this jersey really, but we think it would be a big seller.
RTE New Ice Slip
A monument to the fact that there is nothing funnier than someone falling over and skulling themselves, particularly when it’s broadcast to the entire nation.
Marriage Equality Referendum
A reminder of the day the Irish public accepted that love is the most powerful force in the universe, after being convinced by the central message of Christopher Nolan’s sci-fi think-fest Interstellar, which was released the previous summer.
1995 Divorce Referendum
If nothing else, it will result in impassioned chants of “Come on, Divorce Referendum” ringing out around the Aviva Stadium. That would never ever get old.
Loop de Loop
Because everyone loves Loop de Loops.
Aertel
In the age of smartphone technology where every nugget of information in the world is available to you at the swipe of a finger, it’s important to remember the bygone era of primitive technology.
A time where in order to find out the score of a match, you had to type in the three-digit page-number on your remote and wait for the numbers to start counting towards from a confusing starting point, several hundred figures away from the number you selected. All this was done with the knowledge that by the time you get to the page, the result probably wouldn’t have been updated anyway.
Constant Markievicz
“Ninety-seven years ago, people lost their lives in that park over there. Constant Markievicz gave up his life to enable us to eradicate suppression, taxation, eviction, criminality.”
Never forget.
Morbegs
Beyond the fact that they were colourful, fluffy and had socks for ears, I can’t recall anything specific about the Morbegs. However, a lot of people seem to have fond memories of them, so we decided to knock out a couple of prototype designs.
Morbegs away
Nokia 3210
Some of these ideas are better than others…
Obama’s visit
These would be particularly effective if Ireland were to organise a friendly against USMNT before the end of Obama’s reign as president. What could be more humiliating than losing a glorified tune-up game to a team all wearing while your president’s mug on their bellies?
That wasn’t a rhetorical question, the answer is nothing.
Pierce Brosnan becomes James Bond
He’ll always be the best Irish Bond in our eyes.
