No wonder every manager that’s ever existed comes out in December and says they won’t be shopping in January.
They say the prices are unrealistic, players are settled and that it just isn’t the right time to be doing business, in the middle of the season.
It doesn’t stop them though. They try, sure. But, when push comes to shove, every single one of them is guilty of an ugly, filthy panic buy in the height of the January transfer window. Here are 20 of the most expensive to date.
20. Jonathan Woodgate
Value: £8m
Bought by: Tottenham Hotspur (2008)
Purchase rating: 3/10
Toss up for 20th place with Jean-Alain Boumsong’s arrival at Newcastle. And, you know, that tells you everything you need to know. That he was a toss up with Jean-Alain Boumsong.
19. Savio Nsereko
Value: £9m
Bought by: West Ham (2009)
Purchase rating: 1/10
Somebody, somewhere told this guy he was a striker and what’s worse is that other people believed him. One start in a five-month spell at West Ham but he did have an assist during his time there. A £9m assist.
18. Scott Parker
Value: £10m
Bought by: Chelsea (2004)
Purchase rating: 4/10
Chelsea just weren’t ready for his genius. It should’ve worked, Jose Mourinho looking for someone to hold the line and keep a disciplined midfield and all that. Coming from Charlton where he was outstanding though, perhaps even Parker played too much ball for Jose’s liking back then.
17. Wilfried Zaha
Value: £10m (initial fee)
Bought by: Manchester United (2013)
Purchase rating: 3/10
He only gets three because his career isn’t a complete and utter write-off yet and, whilst he won’t make it at United and they won’t get their money back, they can make something on him. Something.
16. Wilson Palacios
Value: £12m
Bought by: Tottenham Hotspur (2008)
Purchase rating: 5/10
Arrived as the final piece in Harry Redknapp’s jigsaw. He was alright.
15. Robbie Keane
Value: £12m (initial fee)
Bought by: Tottenham Hotspur (2009)
Purchase rating: 5/10
Spurs made a nice profit on Keane’s six-month hiatus to Merseyside. He didn’t enjoy as prolific a spell on his return and was loaned out twice.
14. Christopher Samba
Value: £12.5m
Bought by: Queens Park Rangers (2013)
Purchase rating: 2/10
Harry Redknapp, guilty again. Hazza moved house in London and splashed another fortune on Samba’s mercurial talent. Five months and a relegation later, he was off. Samba, not Harry.
13. Afonso Alves
Value: £12.7m
Bought by: Middlesbrough (2008)
Purchase rating: 2/10
The man who scored 45 goals in 39 league games with Heerenveen is now just the brunt of Gareth Southgate’s managerial career.
12. Louis Saha
Value: £12.85m
Bought by: Manchester United (2004)
Purchase rating: 6/10
Grand.
11. Andrey Arshavin
Value: £15m
Bought by: Arsenal (2009)
Purchase rating: 5/10
Wenger came up with a novel idea midway through the 08/09 campaign: How about we get a small attacking midfielder? Joined Arsenal at a time when fans’ patience was beginning to wear thin with the lack of solidity in the team. Left with nothing to show for his time at the Emirates.
10. Jose Antonio Reyes
Value: £17.6m
Bought by: Arsenal (2004)
Purchase rating: 5/10
Won an FA Cup when he got sent off in the final. Involved in the run in the Champions League when Arsenal lost in the final. Soon played up and cried off.
9. Nemanja Matic
Value: £21m
Bought by: Chelsea (2014)
Purchase rating: 7/10
Chelsea did a Barcelona of sorts with Matic, selling off a fine player already on their books and then having to fork out to bring him back. Doing a sterling job for Mourinho’s table-toppers. They say that defensive midfielders are underrated though when, in fact, they’re so overrated for their tackles and interceptions that everyone constantly talks about how they’re underrated.
8.˘Luis Suarez
Value: £22.8m
Bought by: Liverpool (2011)
Purchase rating: 9/10
Kenny Dalglish wasn’t completely useless as Liverpool manager in his second tenure (if it really was him who signed the Uruguayan 20 days into the job).
7. Darren Bent
Value: £24m
Bought by: Aston Villa (2011)
Purchase rating: 3/10
In the same window, Villa reckoned Darren Bent was worth more than Suarez. Gerard Houllier’s legacy at Aston Villa, a £24m signing that would ensure Randy Lerner would never, ever trust a manager with his money again.
6. David Luiz
Value: £25m
Bought by: Chelsea (2011)
Purchase rating: 6/10
Now, bear with me. The Brazilian might be useless and Chelsea might well have paid a ridiculous amount for his limited services but consider this: Chelsea actually doubled their money on David Luiz. David Luiz.
5. Edin Dzeko
Value: £27m
Bought by: Manchester City (2011)
Purchase rating: 6/10
Good player. Manager’s dream at the Etihad. Doesn’t whinge when he’s on the bench, comes on and does the job when he’s asked to. Always there for the team. Never misses a training session…
4. Andy Carroll
Value: £35m
Bought by: Liverpool (2011)
Purchase rating: 2/10
I don’t even want to talk about this. Liverpool fans, on that transfer deadline day that Torres was picked from their pockets, rationalised that there was no-one else available. For £35m, everyone is available.
3. Juan Mata
Value: £37.1m
Bought by: Manchester United (2014)
Purchase rating: 6/10
Wasn’t the saviour Moyes hoped he would be. Fantastic talent, doing well every time he’s given a chance. Needs to be given more chances though. Especially at that price.
2. Fernando Torres
Value: £50m
Bought by: Chelsea (2011)
Purchase rating: 1/10
LOL.
And lest we forget…
1. Eric Djemba-Djemba
Value: £1.35m
Bought by: Aston Villa (205)
Purchase rating: 1/10
Villa fans shouldn’t let this go and it would take a bitter Villa fan to bring it up again. £1.35m might not seem like an awful amount – try telling that to Randy Lerner – but, in 2005, it was worth a bit more. And don’t forget, in Djemba-Djemba money, it’s extortionate.
